MomLife Today

FamilyLife MomBlog has now become MomLife Today where ...every MOMent counts!

We invite you to visit our new site at www.momlifetoday.com and join our growing community of moms!

Three cheers for the meanest mom!

by Barbara Rainey

Teenagers are fond of labeling people—both those they admire and those they don't. In their emotional declarations, their parents usually are the recipients of only negative descriptors such as, "uncool, mean, unfair, so strict," and others I'm not hip enough to know.

But when you are the recipient of the moniker, "meanest mom" or something similar, then you can know you are probably doing a great job parenting. Jane Hamledon discovered that recently. 

After finding alcohol in her son's car she decided to sell the car and share her 19-year-old son's misdeeds with everyone by placing an ad in the local newspaper. Her ad and the story it created made its way to the Associated Press where it was reported widely.

The ad reads:

OLDS 1999 car for sale. Totally uncool parents who obviously don't love teenage son, selling his car. Only driven for three weeks before snoopy mom who needs to get a life found booze under front seat. Call meanest mom on the planet.

The 48-year-old mom says she has fielded more than 70 calls from emergency room technicians, nurses, school counselors, and others all who wanted to congratulate her. "It's overwhelming the number of calls I've gotten from people saying, 'Thank you, it's nice to see a responsible parent.' So far there are no calls from anyone saying, 'You are really strict, lady.'"

The only critic is her son, who she says is "very, very unhappy" with the ad and claims the alcohol was left by a passenger. Jane said she believes her son but has decided mercy isn't the best policy in this case. She says she set the rules when she bought him the car: no alcohol and always keep it locked.

As soon as I read this I became a fan of Jane's. Parents of teens are so beleaguered and weary that when we read of a mom who clearly had the upper hand, who was not manipulated by her son, who stuck to her rules, we are encouraged. Her choices give us courage to also be strong with our teens.

So to all you moms of teens, "be strong and courageous and do not fear" as God said to Joshua and to us. If Jane can do it so can you!

From another mom who was called mean by her own children (who are now adults benefiting from not getting away with breaking the rules), I say three cheers for the "meanest mom on the planet."  I think Jane should get "Mother of the Year"!

Exciting Announcement!

Hello FamilyLife MomBlog readers!

We are very pleased to announce the March 1st launch of our new and improved site for our FamilyLife MomBlog community. Beginning March 1st we invite you to visit us at www.momlifetoday.com and become part of our MomLife Today community!

As regular readers of our current momblog we want you to be the first to "check us out" - we still have a few finishing touches to add to our new MomLife Today site, but we want you to go visit us there and tell us what you think!

At MomLife Today we believe that ... every MOMent counts and we want to hear from our readers! 

One exciting aspect of our new site is "She Says Saturdays" where we want to give you, the reader, a chance to tell us how you are using social media to reach out to others on the web.

We would also like to encourage you to join our MomLife Today facebook fan page and become part of our daily discussions.  You can also follow MomLife Today on twitter. And for all you photographers out there...pay special attention to the photos at the top of the MomLife Today site.  We look forward to featuring your photographs on our site through our flickr page!

We are very excited about growing in community with our readers and giving moms a place to pause, connect and share what is happening in their momlife!

It would bless us tremendously if you helped us get the word out about our new site, grab our button and place it on your site!  We look forward to connecting with you at www.momlifetoday.com! 

"I have a dream ..."

by Heather Hawkins

This speech, by Martin Luther King Jr., is one of the most recognized speeches of our time, if not the most famous. It was August 28, 1963, when thousands gathered at the steps of the Lincoln Memorial to listen. The part most often repeated are the words of King's hope: "I have a dream ... " 
 
But the part of the speech often overlooked is the part of a promise given in the Constitution that all men are created equal, that they are endowed, by their Creator, with certain unalienable rights and that among those are life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness. This promise was for all men--yes, black men as well as white men. 
 
"It is obvious today," King stated confidently, "that America has defaulted on this promissory note, insofar as her citizens of color are concerned. Instead of honoring this sacred obligation, America has given the Negro people a bad check, a check which has come back marked 'insufficient funds.'" The crowd started to get fired up, and his point was well made as he continued. "But we refuse to believe that the bank of justice is bankrupt. We refuse to believe that there are 'insufficient funds' in the great vaults of opportunity of this nation. And so, we've come to cash this check, a check that will give us, upon demand, the riches of freedom and the security of justice."

I love the way this is worded because he had hope for those who caused the injustice that still plagued the African American people at that point. Instead of words of condemnation, like those of his counterpart, Malcom X, he gives hope to those who were restraining his people from the very freedoms the Constitution promised all men. He believed in America's ability to do right.

When I dwell on this well-written speech, I am struck by King's attitude which I myself lack--an attitude of hope. Not just hope for things I wish to see come to fruition, but also hope in the people who can accomplish such things. Hope for my children to do the right thing and hope that I would speak words that encourage them. Hope that I will fill their love banks with "sufficient funds" and not bankrupt them with too many lists and disciplines and most importantly, unfulfilled promises.

Mom's the word!

by Julia DesCarpentrie

Just before my first child arrived I left my job and identity as a woman in the workforce.  I had been blessed with a stay-at-home mom growing up and was excited to be home with my own children.  I had dreams of a tidy house (what else would I do while the baby was napping?), an adorable baby with a clean face and cute outfit, gourmet dinner ready on the table when my adoring husband walked through the door.  Reality hit full force a few weeks later.  I didn't have time to tidy the house, the baby had colic and usually smelled like spit-up.  And dinner?  Scrounge around the fridge to find something quick.  Fifteen months later, baby number two arrived.  

Yes, I still was thankful to be a stay-at-home mom.  I loved snuggling in my with my babies, reading stories, walking to the park, having play dates.  But I really missed my professional identity.  I was "just a mom."  

My sister-in-law invited me to the national Hearts at Home conference in central Illinois.  Not only did I get a day off (thanks to my wonderful husband who was a stay-at-home dad for the day!), I was given my identity back!  I laughed, I cried, I learned how to be a professional mom and better wife. I was fed spiritually and rejuvenated.  I was able to tailor my day to my needs by choosing from a variety of workshops (my first choice was on how to handle a strong-willed child).  Attending the conference became an annual tradition with my friends.

This year's national conference (March 12-13) is titled "Mom's the Word."   Speakers include founder Jill Savage, Nicole Johnson, and comedienne Sally Baucke, with music by Christy Nockels (of Watermark).  This conference is for moms of all ages and stages to "equip, educate, and encourage."  Workshops include topics on mothering, life after loss, friendships, sibling rivalry (sign me up!), marriage ... Over 30 to choose from!  Register for the Hearts at Home conference now.  And for you northerners, catch the conference in Rochester, Minnesota, November 13. 

While at the conference, stop by the MomLife Today booth and introduce yourself to Tracey and me and check out some great resources.  Hope to see you there!

Black History Month—and me

by Janel Breitenstein

Posters pressed to the large windows at Barnes & Noble reminded me that it is Black History Month. Now that I have a kindergartner for whom I'm responsible, what has been a good thing in years past now strikes me as an opportunity.

My son is blonde, blue-eyed, and like his mama, talks like a Yankee (except when imitating Mater from Cars). But with Dr. King's birthday last month, I had a motherly "aha!" moment: This is a chance to instill some compassion and understanding in my son of the people he'll meet who are different from him as well as pass along a lesson I learned in college.

I remember a particular October Sunday in Chicago where faculty from my university had arranged the opportunity for a vulnerable, authentic conversation on the topic of race. A number of revelations left footprints on my brain from that afternoon. Among them, I realized a misconception I had held. When I'd seen an African American friend, I'd seen him or her as "just like me." But from our discussions that afternoon, I realized my error. Overcoming racism doesn't just assume equality. It requires understanding that often, because my friends are black, they have had to overcome things I have not.

Yes, gratefully, the civil rights movement rocked our world here in the South. For example, my son doesn't quite understand why people "treated people with brown skin mean." But even those African Americans who spoke on that Sunday afternoon who were from the North (where I grew up) recalled ways that their skin color had altered their reality: with law enforcement officers, teachers, store clerks, parents of a potential date.

Later, for a senior term paper, I interviewed African American students on my campus. Yep, each of them had been the object of callous, rather ignorant remarks or snubbing. And this was in 2002.

So as I contemplate Black History Month and what effect it will have on my young son, I want him to understand that the kids next door or his "adopted" aunt are created specially by God. But I also want him to learn a lesson in compassion and to understand what people who don't look like him have endured, and are still enduring. So we're going to check out some books from the library and snuggle up for a history lesson on some great role models: for starters, the courage of Rosa Parks. The perseverance of Dr. King. The ingenuity of George Washington Carver. The leadership of Booker Washington.The bravery of Harriet Tubman and Frederick Douglass.

I'm sure we'll both have something to learn.

Burned by betrayal

by Jennifer Dyer

Have you ever felt betrayed by a close friend? How about a business associate? A spouse? Has someone ever spread lies about you to ruin your reputation? What about having to watch, helpless, while a former friend or loved one uses an unscrupulous lawyer and false accusations against you, all in the name of greed. Or, worse, have you watched your child suffer through the pain and sting of betrayal or bullying? Though hard to imagine at the beginning of an association with another person, I cannot think of anyone who has not experienced this pain in some form or fashion.

In a recent conversation with a successful business woman and fellow mom who is in the midst of a betrayal crisis, she told me this was one of the lowest points of her life. Marred by false accusations, her only recourse would be to spend millions in legal fees to fight someone else's greed. This is all too common—just like the playground bully, except the stakes are much higher and there seems to be no recess monitor who can help.  

What do we do in the midst of such suffering? Where do we turn? Prayer and God's Word. Yes, that seems to be the quick answer so many people give to others who are suffering, but it is so true. When I am feeling despondent I often read through David's psalms. David is a man who knows the sting of betrayal, the pain of bullying, the feeling of loneliness. In some of his psalms his compassion rings true, but I have often been comforted by some of the other psalms where David calls out to his Advocate in heaven, the Lord. He calls for God to rescue him, to seek vengeance on his enemies, to come and comfort him. David knew how to pour out his heart to God.

Today, as I did my daily Bible reading, I turned to Psalm 18. Take a moment to read it. David calls God his strength, deliverer, shield, salvation, refuge, rock, and fortress. David also goes on to describe God's answer to his cries of distress. I love the language David uses. He describes earthquakes, storms, lightening, and God's vengeance upon the people who pursued him.

Yet, this is the same David who refuses to kill one of the men trying to kill him—his own father-in-law, King Saul. Instead, David confronts Saul and reminds him that the Lord will be the judge between them. It was much later when Saul received judgment from the Lord and David was able to return to his home, but David kept his hope in the Lord and not in his own power. 

Jesus, too, suffered the pain of betrayal. When we suffer, we can take comfort in the fact that Jesus has overcome this world and that our joy lies in what is to come. Plus, in suffering, we get a glimpse of what Jesus did for us, what he chose to do for us. In fact, my suffering mom friend said this was one of her most comforting thoughts.

I pray that the God of comfort will be with you always. 

Divorce is not the answer

by Tracey Eyster

When I hear about families going through divorce I feel an overwhelming sense of grief and loss. I have friends who have been devastated by divorce. Divorce is heartbreaking, and all the more when one of the parties is blindsided by the decision of the other to give up and end the marriage.

This seems to be happening more and more. Things get hard, marriage stops being fun, life gets serious, issues arise, and someone decides they do not want to work at it and they just leave.

Is this happening to couples you know? It is happening to couples I know, and oddly, it is the women who are choosing to leave the marriage and seek divorce.

A few weeks ago I was speaking to a friend who said she knew 10 couples who were headed toward divorce. In each case it was because the wife decided it wasn't worth the hassle to work at it; she'd had enough and she was out of there.

I struggle to comprehend how a woman can give up on her family without fighting for it. Actually, I get angry. It seems like such an unbelievable display of selfishness. If you and your husband are fighting and having problems, don't think you are alone in your struggles. 

All marriages suffer and have problems—all marriages. In the situations I am speaking of here, there is no abuse. The reasoning behind the divorce has been because of everyday life: a husband and wife drifting apart and not taking the time and effort to do something about the "drift" and the refusal to work through the problems and seek help.

When did our society decide that marriage was supposed to be all light and fluffy? Why are so many buying the lie that if you are not happy, you should just leave. Marriage is hard. Marriage is where life gets real. And each of us should have realized that going into it ... better or worse, richer or poorer ... remember?

I have had many women assume that my husband is perfect because it appears to them that our marriage is so good. I laugh and tell them that our marriage is so good, but not because my husband is perfect. At his worst he can act like an overbearing jerk. And I, at my worst, am a pouty little snot. But we know this about each other and we work at marriage.

My goodness, moms, we spend our days teaching our children that the world does not revolve around them and they have to learn to get along well with their friends and siblings. We constantly remind them to extend grace to others, to realize others are not always mean on purpose but that they just don't think sometimes. Maybe we should remind ourselves the same thing when it comes to our relationship with our husbands.

So, if you have had recurring thoughts of disappointment and anger toward your husband and you are getting fed up, please allow me to mother you a bit ...

The world does not revolve around you. You need to work at getting along with your husband. You need to extend grace to your husband. Your husband is not being mean on purpose—sometimes he just doesn't think.

Marriage is a covenant relationship and God made it that way because He realized that left to our own we would want to walk away. But a covenant is a commitment, so we must stick it out and work at it. If you need tips on how to work at it, spend some time reading the very helpful articles on the FamilyLife website or make plans now to attend a Weekend to Remember marriage conference.

If you need someone to talk to I encourage you to call your local church or locate a Christian counselor, but don't just give up ... divorce is not the answer.

How God can build a family

by Julia DesCarpentrie

I love the creative ways God forms families. I also am excited to hear about couples giving up their preconceived ideas of how their family should look, what size their car should be, what their bank account should look like, how to spend their vacations, etc., and allow God to take control. It usually results in leaving their comfort zone, checking their pride at the door, and a good dose of heartache with an end result of amazing love and joy!  Below is one of those stories:

Promo for "3 by 3 by 3" Documentary from David Watson on Vimeo.

Give like you mean it

by Janel Breitenstein

Sometimes I give but I really don't.

I'll tell my husband, for example, to go enjoy a night out on his own—no kids or work to worry about. (He frequently does the same for me.) But when the kids start acting up (imagine that!), or I start to lose my cool ... or my sanity ... the internal monologue begins: Do you know how much I could use a night out? Hope he knows how much this costs! Lovely, loving thoughts, I know.

Or maybe he'll get home and I'll drop hints about the things that went wrong so he'll appreciate my sacrifice. Hope you enjoyed your night, Honey, because you should have felt guilty for actually doing what I said you could do!

Or try scenario #2. My kids ask me for something. Again. May I have another drink please, Mom? Can I play one more computer game? Or even better, OWWWW! I hit my noggin while doing something rambunctious that you told me not to do! Will you please kiss it? I say yes, but in my heart—and even with my voice at times—I don't really say yes.

Scenario #3: I've volunteered to do something for someone. Bring a meal, watch their kids, stuff like that. But when the stove's boiling over while the baby's crying, or when five kids get a little nutso all at once, then I can start complaining inside about the work, which I actually wanted to be doing for God in the first place. 

So lately as I've found myself in a situation where I'm temped to feel like a martyr, I ask myself, Am I really giving cheerfully here? Am I giving with my whole heart, or actually taking back what I said I'd give?

I have it on good authority that God loves it when I give cheerfully....and I'm thinkin' He's not the only one!