An evening out with friends

by Jennifer Dyer

I don't know about you, but it seems as if my husband and I rarely get out as a couple. Even more unusual is spending time with a large group of friends without the kids around. Yet last night we found ourselves on the way to a large dinner for my husband's department at work.

The hosts lived way out in the country. The charming home's landscaping and interior showcased the years of love and sweat poured into it by the large family that had occupied it for the last two decades. Pictures around the living room revealed a growing family that had expanded to include spouses and grandchildren. There were no smears of peanut butter on the walls and no scribbles of crayon on the floor. I also did not have to step over scattered toys or maneuver around piles of laundry. As we sat on the deck to eat a delicious dinner (cooked by someone besides myself!), I watched the sun set and took a deep breath. I felt so at peace. 

Our large group spent several hours socializing and enjoying a night free from the responsibility of parenting and the busy bedtime routine. On the drive home, I spent some time in reflection. In the early years of our marriage I'd enjoyed entertaining, but I never seem to have energy for it these days. And then it hit me. The couple that hosted our dinner is in a different season of life. They live in an empty nest and can spend time traveling, entertaining, and enjoying a clean home. Yet I wondered what our hostess would say if I asked her which she'd prefer. I'm guessing there are many days when she'd take the messy floors and hand-printed walls over the peace.

I went home with a new appreciation for my own season of life. I love spending time with my little ones, even though it does exhaust me. I started to dread the day when my eldest would leave for college as soon as she entered kindergarten. I want to enjoy each day and what it brings. I'll continue to enjoy my "hand-decorated" floor tiles and walls. I will be thankful for my piles of laundry that requires extra scoops of Oxy Clean. And I will hug my children all I can while they are near me. And someday when (or if) I have an empty nest, I'll invite some younger couples over to enjoy the peace.

This morning as I rushed downstairs to start breakfast for the girls, I was still thinking over our night out. When I stepped into the kitchen, I stopped short. I'd been so tired when I got home, I'd left a bag of garbage out and it was now shredded across the kitchen. I grabbed a bag and cleaned it up, reflecting that I hadn't seen a dog at our hosts' very clean house. Hmm ...

Summer reading, spelling, and math practice

by Janel Breitenstein

If your preschool or early elementary school kid's got as much energy as mine this summer, you might wonder with me, Just how did anyone get you to sit in a desk?

I don't know that I've landed on that one yet. But here are a couple of (admittedly non-original) quick games to practice reading, spelling, or math that can burn off a little of all that pent-up energy and bridge the skill gap until next fall. My son loves these.

The Jumping Game

If you've got stairs inside or outside, stand at one end with your child. Have a list, or a stack of flashcards, with the same number of words as you've got steps (for preschoolers, use flashcards or index cards with numbers, letters, or colors on them). Have a handful of a small reward: M&M's, jellybeans, craisins, raisins, goldfish, peanuts, dry breakfast cereal—whatever works for your child. With each word your child reads or spells correctly, he gets to jump one step, and get one of your rewards. Bonus: It's an easy visual reminder to him of his progress! When your child misses a word, just try the word again at the end until he can reach his goal.

Mickey Mouse Math

On a piece of paper, draw a large circle with two smaller circles, each connected to the large circle on either side near the top—so that your three circles look like Mickey Mouse (surprise, surprise).

Using counters or small rewards again (M&M's, jellybeans, cereal, craisins, raisins, goldfish, peanuts, Cheerios), have your child put a number of rewards in each "ear." If you're going for 5 + 2, for example, put five jellybeans in one ear, two in the other. Then, pull all of your items from the ears into Mickey's "face," and have your child count them up to get the answer. This works well to help your child visualize what's going on when we add numbers together.

For subtraction, do the opposite: If you're going for 7 - 5, start with seven jellybeans on Mickey's face, and then move five of those into one of Mickey's ears. The answer, of course, is the number of jellybeans left on Mickey's face.

If you want to practice a few critical thinking skills as they advance, allow them to grab their own handful of a multi-colored or multi-shaped reward: "What's the number of star-shaped Lucky Charms plus the number of rainbows in your handful?"

Now, some of you are thinking, If I use jellybeans or M&M's, I've just given them more energy I have to find an outlet for. True, so choose your rewards wisely! Hope these help as you seek to make learning fun at your house.

Got any learning games you'd like to share?

Saying "no" to your kids

by Susan Yates

Recently I was chatting with the mother of a 4-year-old. This 4-year-old, according to others, has never heard the word "no." Unusually bright, this child is a terror to be around. She is difficult to control, throws temper tantrums, and demands her own way. She does not like rules of any kind. Her parents are bright Ivy League graduates. They love their child and want to encourage her creativity and independence and they want her to be secure. However, they seem to feel that if you say "no" to a child you are restricting and limiting their growth. So they employ diversion, distraction, and reasoning in an attempt to get her to behave.

Now there is nothing wrong with diversion and distraction. They can be effective with a 1-year-old or an 18-month-old. It is wise to avoid conflict when possible. And reasoning can be effective, especially with an older toddler. However, you cannot always reason with a child—particularly a 1- or 2-year-old. And diversion and distraction are not enough. Our children must learn to cope with the word "no" and we must not be afraid to use it.

We teach our child not to run into the street. He must hear us say "no" and immediately stop. There is no time for diversion. It can be a life or death issue. The same goes for touching a hot stove. Our first "nos" have to do with safety issues. Soon we move on to other "nos." "No you may not bite your brother." And we follow through with swift punishment when they proceed to bite. Our kids have to learn that our "no" actually means "no" and not "maybe, if you pitch a fit." We must follow through with a swift punishment when they disobey. In this way our kids learn that we are reliable—we mean what we say. They can count on us. As they mature, reasoning becomes crucial but there will still be times when they (and we) have to accept "no," even if we don't understand the reasoning. "No, you cannot stay out all night even if you disagree with our rules." A lot of life is full of "nos" and we don't prepare our child for adulthood if we are afraid to say "no."

Every mom wants her child to feel secure and valued. But we have to remember that a young child who calls the shots in the home will become insecure, not secure. God did not intend for a child to have that much power over his parents. His security comes because, although he will try, he begins to understand at an unconscious level that he is not the boss. Mom and Dad are and this gives him security.

Bare feet and curious hands

by Tracey Lanter

My 16-year-old daughter is very transparent in her desire to have her boundaries respected. She refers to the area around herself as her "personal space bubble" and she does not like her bubble busted. She has been this way since she was very young. Obviously, her father likes this personality quirk when it comes to teenage boys!

While in Rwanda last week, I looked in amazement as my daughter was surrounded, and constantly touched, by many small black hands who were curiously trying to get the "white" to rub off of her and delighting in "petting" her long brown hair. She was being fawned over the way American children clamor and fuss over a litter of puppies.

What I saw while observing my daughter was pure joy and a bright smile filled with the same wonder as the little smiles all around her. She was delighting in giving love and attention to these curious African children who didn't know what to make of the group of "mzungus" visiting their small rural village. In particular there was one little girl that never left my daughter's lap and two others who could not stop themselves from touching her the entire time we were there.

We were given the amazing honor of going with a Campus Crusade for Christ group to show the JESUS film to this magnificent little village, filled with many families and countless children. As we sat and watched the film with our hosts each of us was surrounded by villagers who were mesmerized by the film playing before them and cheering and clapping every time Jesus performed a miracle and the local pastor exclaimed the glory of His name.

Another highlight of the evening was just after our arrival as we were helping set up the projector—a Rwandan pastor was singing and encouraging the shy villagers to participate with him in his praises, but they were reluctant. At first they were bashful, but I managed to convince my children to get out there with the pastor and dance and praise the Lord. As they did they were joined by many of the villagers, especially the children, and the mood of the entire village changed to one of celebration and anticipation of what was about to happen.

Though I couldn't understand all that was being said, I could sense the anticipation in the air and I smiled knowing there was a celebration stirring in the heavenlies as well. To be a part of fulfilling the Great Commission with my children ... well, it was more than this heart could handle and tears flowed!

That evening many of those villagers accepted the message of Christ's love and redemption and it fills me with great joy to know that there will be a day when they will once again gather with my children, rejoicing and singing praises to their Savior.

That night back in the relative comfort of the small room where we were staying, I asked my daughter what happened to her personal space bubble. She smiled and explained to me that all she could think about was making those children feel happy and loved and she had absolutely no thought of herself.

We were both reminded of the words of Matthew 19:14, "But Jesus said, 'Let the children alone and do not hinder them from coming to Me; for the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these.'"

What a privilege it was to be His hands and feet while in Rwanda—I would ask that you consider where you and your family might go on a mission trip to share His love with others. Heavens borders will widen and you will be forever changed.

Sisters, daughters, and friends

by Barbara Rainey

One of the joys of having adult children is getting to hang out with my kids and be friends.  I'm still learning not to give advice and opinions unless asked, but for the most part we do well together.  Especially all the girls.

Three years ago I organized a girls only weekend over Mother's Day weekend so I could pamper my daughters, especially the three who were swamped with eight little ones between them, all 6 and under.  I knew they'd get more of a real Mother's Day break than if they were home with husbands and kids.  That's a no-brainer, right?  We stayed at a home in Memphis that was made available to us for free and I took the five who were able to come out for meals, brought them all matching pajama pants and tops so they could relax as long as they wanted, and listened to them laugh and tell stories about their lives.  I loved it all.

This May I planned a repeat gathering on the first weekend of the month.  Coordinating schedules now that there are kids in school and everyone is in different life stages was a challenge.  Only four of the six could come, but once again we had a great time.  We stayed this time at a friend's house while they were out of town, so the expenses were minimal again.  My daughter (-in-law) Stephanie, mother of three, just wandered around the house and yard the first night.  She was decompressing.  But by the end of the weekend she was rested and refreshed.  The same was true of Ashley, who is mom to five boys.  Some of the moms slept in until 10 a.m. which they can never do at home.  This time I bought them matching flip flops with rhinestone straps.  We brought our own nail products and did at-home manicures and pedicures.  I loved pampering my hard-working girls once again.

Mother's Day is over for this year, but it's never too late to pamper the weary young moms in your life.  And if you don't have a mom who can do this for you, plan a short weekend or even a 24-hour getaway with a group of friends.  My daughter, Ashley, did this recently with her close friends because one of them was moving away.  They came to my house while we were out of town.  I left the house mostly clean, made a breakfast casserole for Saturday morning and had plenty of coffee and tea for late night chatting.  They loved their time away even though it was too short and they left my house tired from staying up till 2 a.m.

Girl time is so important for young moms, so treat your daughters if you can, or plan a getaway with friends if that is best.  Friendships are fuel for moms at all stages of life.

The Mom Song

The Mom Song has been around a while - but it's always worth listening to!  Enjoy!

Swimming lessons

by Julia DesCarpentrie

My youngest son does not have much fear.  He's a leap before you look kind of guy.  When he was two years old and my oldest son was four, I spent the summer trying to coax my 4-year-old son to jump off the edge of the pool into my arms.  Once while trying to convince him he could trust me, my 2-year-old shed his water wings and jumped in.  He sunk like a rock.  Feeling the splash, I looked down to see the 2-year-old sitting on the bottom of the pool, wide eyes asking now what? and an open-mouthed grin on his face.  He made no attempt to kick his way toward the surface or even to hold his breath.  Unfortunately, this scenario replayed itself several times that summer.  I could not convince my older son to plunge in as I continued to yank my fearless young son off the bottom of the pool. 

Describing my frustration to a friend, I recognized those two extremes in myself.  I tend to act like my 2-year-old, plunging into things without looking to the Word for guidance. I shed the safety of other believers' wisdom and finally look up to God when I'm out of air and sitting on the bottom.  But there have also been plenty of situations where God is holding out His arms encouraging me to fall into them as I allow fear to keep me on the edge of the pool.  My eyes are not on my Father, but focused on the chasm and the water between us. 

The next summer was different.  My older son learned to trust me and began to enjoy the water.  My youngest son found value in holding his breath before jumping and kicking his way to the surface.  And my husband and I kept our eyes focused on our Father, sought biblical guidance from other believers, and leaped into the mission field with our Father's arms around us. 

What I hope to accomplish as a mom

by Sabrina Beasley

We just celebrated my son’s first birthday, and I couldn’t help but reflect on the growth of both my son and myself throughout the last year. 

I laughed when I thought back on the sleepless nights, not because my son was awake, but because I was worried that he might be.  I also remember the first time I had to take him to a doctor’s appointment, and I was completely at a loss as to how I was going to feed him and get him there on time.  I opted to feed him in the waiting room, and he cried all the way there.  I was almost in tears myself. 

It’s been a long, life-changing year.  I’m amazed at the similarities between my son and me at his birth—he was new to the world, and I was new to the world of parenting.  Neither of us had a clue what we were doing.  But we’ve both grown to understand each other and perhaps even the world around us in better ways. 

Since I’ve had a year to reflect, I now have an idea of what kinds of things I want to accomplish as a mom.  Recently I was inspired to write down my goals as both a reminder to myself when parenting gets tough and as a declaration. 

Parenting isn’t just a manual task, making sure another person stays alive.  It’s also the shaping of a life.  In some ways, there is very little I can do to control how my children turn out—only God can change the heart and save a soul.  But I want to do all that I can to give my children, not just life, but LIFE. 

Let me encourage you to do the same.  My list is somewhat haphazard, in no particular order and not very fancy.  If you try too hard to make it poetic, you might scare yourself out of doing it.  Just jot down some things and see where it leads you.  If you want to rewrite it later, you always can when you feel up to the task. The important thing now is to get it down on paper. 

I’m sure my list will change as the years go on, but for now, here are my goals as a mother.

1. I want to raise children who know God and know there is a Savior.  I know I can’t control their hearts, but I can do my best to show them the way.  Deuteronomy 6:6-12 tells us to pass on the stories of God’s power and redemption to the next generation so they may not forget all that He’s done for us.

2. I want to give my children life skills.  I want them to know how to cultivate a garden, care for animals, care for themselves.  I want them to know how to care for a home—including wash dishes, vacuum the floor, wash clothes, and generally pick up around the house.  I want them to know how to organize, keep a budget, and sew on a button (these go for boys and girls).

3. I want to instill godly values and disciplines in their lives—loving others, compassion, generosity, kindness, keeping their tempers, problem-solving skills (see 1 Thessalonians 5:6-11 and Galatians 5:22-23).

4. I want to teach them how to see things from others’ perspectives. When you can step into someone else’s shoes, it opens up a whole new world of perception.  It gives you compassion, empathy, understanding and therefore patience and graciousness.  You can more easily interpret unspoken communication and anticipate needs.  To step into someone else’s shoes gives you the ability to understand people.

5.  I want to teach my children to listen, really listen, not just hear, when others are talking.  To look someone in the eye and give him or her their full attention. 

6. I want to teach my children confidence and courage.  I want them to be able to stand for right and for good even in the face of opposition and be the one to stand even when no one else does.

7. I want to say “no” often enough to keep them from taking for granted all that they have.  And say “yes” often enough to teach them the satisfaction of generosity.

That’s all I have for now.  I’m sure this list will continue to grow as my children do.  But I think it’s a good start.  If for no other reason, I’m glad I wrote this because when I lose my vision as a parent and need to be set straight, I’ll have this list to guide me.  When I hit another milestone in my son’s life, I can look back on this list and make sure I’m still headed in the right direction.  And when I look back on my parenting after all my children have been launched into this world, I can be satisfied knowing that I parented them with purpose.

Won’t you do the same?

Learning from a mom in Rwanda

by Tracey Lanter

So much to say ... yet my brain is still a bit scrambled, due to some mind-bending jet lag!

My family and I arrived home yesterday at 7 p.m. from our 14-day adventure in Rwanda. We had been traveling for some 36 hours and the first thing on the agenda were long hot showers followed by an awesome night's sleep in our own comfortable, familiar beds.

It is interesting to me how peaceful it felt to arrive in our home--to walk through it, looking and touching the items that are ours and to regain that feeling of quiet comfort enjoyed by being surrounded by all that makes our home, our home.

What is more amazing is that I saw that same sentiment in Rwanda, whether it was in the sparsely decorated home of a working family living in the capitol city of Kigali, or the dirt floor hut of a rural family living in the village of Barundi. Home is home to the family living there and while the contents may be different in each home, the peace that familiarity offers is shared.

I do believe that Rwandans have one-upped us Americans, though. Their peace is long-lasting and does not ebb and flow based on their ability to work more and acquire more and better "stuff." Their homes and lives are simple, uncomplicated, and filled with satisfaction, joy, and a desire to share what they have with whoever is in need.

I heard stories of how, after the genocide, families eagerly poured out the love of Christ and opened their homes and shared with others what they had, no matter what their own personal circumstance. An amazing mother of six named Mary told me this story:

We had many people living in our home after the genocide. I recall one night as we were about to sit down to eat what little food we had a van pulled up and 14 people got out. They came to our door saying they needed food and a place to stay, one of the women held an infant who was crying and obviously very hungry.

One of the women in my home pulled me aside and insisted we turn them away, as we already did not have enough for the some 20 we were feeding. I told her, no, we would not turn anyone away and took her by the hand to the kitchen where I prayed over the food and asked the Lord to multiply our portions and feed all who were hungry as He did with the fishes and the loaves.

We began to place food on plates, in bowls, and when everyone was fed, we still had food in the pots. My friend began to weep and beat her chest and lament her inability to trust God and love as Christ loved.

About a year ago I was at church and a beautiful girl came to me and asked, "Do you know who I am?" I told her I did not and she told me that she was in my home years ago as a baby and that her mother told her that I had searched for milk for her and that "you cared for my mother and I after all our loved ones were killed in the genocide." She explained that she was now serving the Lord and loving others and that were if it not for our home, they would not have survived.

Mary and her husband currently have an 11-year-old daughter who lives with them, but the rest of their children are older and living on their own or in college. She regretted that she could not introduce us to their daughter and the other four children living with them as they were all at school. I asked her how many children had lived with them over the years. She smiled and laughed and said, "I could not tell you ... many."

Americans go on mission trips to serve those who live in other countries. Yet time and time again I have heard people say they received much more than they gave. I now understand that sentiment.

This American mom needs to learn to be more like Mary ... an amazing Rwandan mom!

Young mothers need more hands and friends

by Jennifer Dyer

As I pulled into my driveway the other day, I saw one of my neighbors heading for her backyard. I jumped out of the car and jogged across the wet grass to say hello. While we chatted, she kept turning her head to check on her 3-year-old son. A minute later, we saw him chasing the dog around with a plastic bat. After taking care of that situation, we heard silence. Since quiet children usually means trouble, I followed her through the gate. Before I came around the corner, I heard her groan and say, "You got the hose out?"

Just then a very wet dog ran past and the little boy giggled even though he was headed for time out. A second later my friend came back around the corner with her soaked 1-year-old on her hip and that "Is it bedtime yet?" expression all mothers can recognize. I felt very sorry for her, since it was not even 10:00 in the morning. 

She made her way back through the gate and kept apologizing for the chaos, which I found humorous, considering the household disasters I face on a daily basis. Just as she attempted to close the gate, the wet dog muscled her way through my friend's legs and charged off for an adventure. I tried to catch her, but I was no match for her strength and her wet fur just slipped through my fingers. As I am no stranger to chasing giant Labrador retrievers down the street, I took off in pursuit. After a nice morning jog, I dragged the dog home and gave my friend a smile. She kept shaking her head. I knew exactly how she felt.

We shut the dog in the backyard and let her wet toddler run free on the grass while we talked. She let out a huge breath. "I know I'm doing the right thing by staying home," she said, "but sometimes it's just so hard."

I sympathized with that mom. I remember the endless days of my two girls' preschool years. There were times when I thought I would lose my mind and times when I almost did. It is exhausting and the stress of staying one step ahead of a strong-willed toddler is a job fit for a Marine. I took the time to assure her that things change quickly and invited her to our summertime play group. For me, getting together with friends and letting the kids play has been a key restorer of my sanity. I felt almost guilty as I walked back to my quiet house, but I knew in a matter of hours I'd be chasing my own children and probably steam-cleaning the carpet ...