Cooped up with kids?

by Susan Yates

A huge historic blizzard is raging in the Washington, D.C,. area where I live. In a city that prides itself on being known as the most important city in the world, it's a beautiful and humorous reminder that man is not in charge.

From the important people on Capitol Hill to the important moms in the homes, everyone is feeling a bit out of control as the snow piles up, the government is shut down, and schools closed yet again.

Last night several of my young mom friends managed to dig out of their drives and gather at my house for supper. When I asked if we should cancel because of the treacherous conditions one replied, "No way. If I don't get out of my house there's no telling what I might do to my kids!" Now there's an honest mom for you!

It is wearying to be shut up inside with a bunch of toddlers and young elementary kids for days on end. Especially when you are used to a mother's day out, preschool, or regular school. You may have awakened this morning dreading another day of whining, sibling rivalry, boredom, a trashed house, and wondering how you could get through the day (the next hour?) without losing your cool. Take comfort. You are not alone and you are normal.

Here are a few things that might help if you too are cooped up with kids, whether its the weather, sick kids, or simply your season in life:

1. Pretend that you are running a "Family Camp."

Draw up a schedule for the next several days. Think in terms of one to two hour blocks. A craft block, a reading block, a quiet/nap time block, a play together block, and a free play alone block. For the "free play alone" block, organize different toys into separate stations. You can set a timer and have kids rotate from station to station. You may need to have the kids help you clean out, throw out, and organize the toys. I once realized that my toys were all jumbled together and when I sent the kids to play they couldn't find parts and quickly became bored. Cleaning out and separating the toys helped and they actually got interested again in old things.

Kids respond to structure. It gives them a sense of security because they know what to expect. They will fight less. And you'll have an emotional lift because you have a plan.

2. Be creative with unusual ideas.

One of my favorites is to go to an appliance store or the local bike shop and get a large box. Cut out windows and doors, hand out crayons and stickers, and let the kids decorate. Smaller boxes also work for train cars for little kids and each child loves to have their own. Here are some more ideas: cover a table with a blanket or sheet for a fort; finger paint in the bath tub; watch old family movies; look at old family pictures together; gather kids to help clean out a closet you've been avoiding; cook together; play dress up (put paper grocery bags over heads with cut outs and decorate!); put on music and have a dance party. If you need fresh ideas, call a friend up and compile a list together.

When you have some unusual things planned you'll create a sense of "fun" instead of merely endurance, And you'll use the TV, videos, and the computer less and instead encourage your child's creativity.

3. Schedule some "alone time" for yourself.

Work out a trade with your spouse or a neighbor so that each of you can have at least one and a half hours alone while the other takes the kids. Lock your bedroom door, put on headphones, or walk to a coffee shop. It's best to plan early so you'll know your turn for peace is coming! If you discover that all the neighborhood kids are "living" at your house, you may need to put a sign on your front door for part of the day that says, "family rest time, please come back later" so you can have a break. Yes, your kids will object, but do it anyway. You all need a little peace.

If you know you are going to have that time alone your attitude will change when you are with the kids!

4. Do something for someone else.

Shovel a neighbor's walk, get coffee for the snow plow drivers, cook for a neighbor, bake cookies for you mailman or trash collector, send cards and pictures to family members or shut-ins.

We want to raise kids that are "other-centered" rather than "self-centered." When we start feeling bored or sorry for ourselves its' a great time to do something specific for someone else.

Allowances and chores

by Susan Yates

Recently a mom asked me what advice I would give her about granting her children an allowance and also about the connection of allowances to family chores. It's a good question, and one I've heard repeated over the years by many moms. And it's one we struggled with as we raised our five children.

I have found it helpful to separate chores from allowances. Why? Because having a chore is simply part of being a family. Everyone in the family needs to pitch in to help. One day your child will need to pitch in to do her share in an apartment she shares with friends. A son should be prepared to share the workload of keeping a household in order with his wife. It's simply part of living in community. You don't get paid for this. So in order to prepare them for the future we give our children chores now. The earlier you begin the better. A 2-year-old can help pick up toys. A 6-year-old can set the table. Kids can help cook, clean, take out the trash, and watch siblings.

Once our kids began to read we began a weekly chore chart. As they got older they did it on the computer and posted it weekly on the refrigerator. Because there were seven of us we had seven sections of the house that needed to be cleaned. Chores could be done any time between Friday and 6:00 p.m. on Saturday night. You could trade chores with another sibling. Bathrooms were a dreaded job. Of course the kids complained. But today my two daughters-in-law are pleased their husbands know how to scrub toilets! Chores are a valuable tool in training in thoughtfulness.

Allowances are also a useful training tool. Once your child reaches the age of 5 it's wise to begin an allowance, albeit a small one. Give the child three envelopes: one for giving (tithe), one for saving, and one for spending (now or later). Teach them to put at least 10% in their "give" and 10% in their "save" envelopes and the rest in their spend envelope. It may be only nickles, but you are training them in wise budgeting with an emphasis on giving first. As the kids get older you will adjust the amounts.

Allowances should not cover all their "wants." That's a bottomless well. And granting all their desires will simply promote selfishness. However, there will be times when they need extra money for that "special something." I keep a running list of extra chores for pay. Cleaning out the garage, scrubbing and cleaning out closets, polishing brass or silver, etc., are some of those extras I never seem to get to and need help with so these go on my extra chore list. When a child gets desperate for money, point her to this list. She can begin to earn the money to buy the item she desires but it may take her longer than she wants. This can be a good thing as she's learning to wait and to persevere. And sometimes that thing she just "had to have" doesn't seem so important after a few days.

Also be on the lookout for opportunities that present themselves to your family to teach your children that life isn't all about gaining money or possessions. The devastation in Haiti is an example. This is an opportunity for us to declare a "family work day." A day in which we as a family can do a project—a bake sale, car wash, yard work, etc., with all donations going to a Haitian relief project. Working together as a family purely to give can be transforming for us and for our kids.

What if every family (or several families working together) set aside one day in the next month to do this for others? Not only would a nation be helped, but a family—ours—would be changed. And a culture just might begin to turn from being "me-centered" to becoming "other-centered."

A lesson from the little ones

by Susan Yates

My son John and his wife Alysia came for a week after Christmas with their four little ones, ages 6 and under. It was a chaotic, energetic, noisy, exhausting, and absolutely wonderful time. All was not calm but it was bright.

I got up early with the kids so the weary parents could go back to bed. In the wee hours of the morning we curled up by the picture window to watch the sun rise over the hill. Sometimes gray clouds sent rays of beautiful hues of pink hurrying across the horizon as if to say, It may be gray now but in the gray there is beauty. But don't worry, the sun will still rise.  And every day it did. It just so happened that this very week the moon was full. So each evening right before bed time we turned out the house lights and gathered at the picture window to gaze at a marvelous full moon reflecting an unusually bright light on the snow left over from our rare blizzard.

One morning  I read to the children from Genesis 1:16, "God made two great lights, the sun to govern the day and the moon to govern the night." We talked about how the sun always comes up. We can count on it. And we noticed how the moon is there at night to remind us that God is there too. My granddaughter Sylvia often has trouble sleeping. She feels afraid and has scary thoughts.

I showed her Psalm 121 which I call my "watching over you" Psalm. She particularly liked verse 4. "He who watches over you will neither slumber nor sleep."

"Isn't it amazing?" I whispered as we looked in the darkness at the moon. "God is reminding us that He is always watching over us. We can count on Him."

Sylvia turned to me and said, "Ghee (her name for me), we could pray about that right now." Amazed at the ease with which she came up with it, I replied, "What a great idea!" So we prayed, "Thank you God that we can count on you just like we can count on the sun and the moon and thank you that you are always watching over us."

What will I remember about this Christmas season?   

A small ritual with small children focusing on a big God.

Early morning glances out the window to see
God's powerful sun appear proclaiming His glory.
When the sun went down we watched a full moon arise
As my little grandchildren marveled at its great size.
And I, in my complex world of duty,
Was quieted by the simplicity of God's great beauty.

Thank you, Father, for the pure, simple faith of little ones who help us see with fresh eyes how great you are.  

A friend in crisis

by Susan Yates

I have a dear friend whose marriage is in crisis. Both she and her husband are strong believers, yet they are in a very hard place. There is not an overriding reason, just years of accumulated "stuff" that has not been dealt with properly. Both my husband and I have talked, challenged, encouraged, and prayed with this couple. There have been a few positive steps taken and many disappointments. We honestly do not know what their future holds.

My good friend Mary (not her real name) is also best friends with the couple in crisis. Several months ago when this marriage began to unravel, Mary and I were devastated. We longed to be able to help and we simply did not know what we could do. Our natural inclination was to try to set them both straight—to fix things. And although we have given advice, we know that only God can bring about the necessary changes. This is a spiritual battle.

What could two friends do? We could pray. It's easy to pray for someone as they come to mind but Mary and I felt we needed to make a more serious commitment on behalf of our friends. So we made a commitment to pray together every day on the phone for 30 days for this couple. To make this easier we determined that we would not talk when we called in. We would merely pray. This kept the length of our prayer calls to a minimum and it kept us centered on Jesus. If we wanted to talk we called at another time.

For 30 days we prayed. Sometimes it was from a ladies' room in an airport, a parking lot in a mall, or stopped on the side of an interstate across the country—from wherever one of us happened to be at the time. Often God gave us the exact Scripture for the need of the moment.

After 30 days we did not feel the freedom to stop. The marriage still struggles. It's now been nearly five months and Mary and I are still praying. We've missed some days but not many. We've grown weary and discouraged when we don't see any progress. But we've experienced His blessing in our own lives in several ways:

We are learning endurance and perseverance. (James 1:1-5)

We are experiencing having to wait on the Lord. (Isaiah 40:31)

Our own times in the Scriptures have been enriched. (Psalm 119:105)

Our relationship has grown deeper as we've prayed together for our friends. (Ecclesiastes 4:12)

We are gaining new insight into the meaning of the "fellowship of His sufferings." (Hebrews 4:14-16)

We are learning not to grow weary in praying even if we feel very weary! (Galatians 6:9-10)

Recently as I reluctantly picked up the phone to call Mary to pray I was overwhelmed with a sense of God getting ready to hear us and I imagined God thinking, Oh me, here we go again. These two with their same old requests—again. And then I realized what I was doing. I was projecting onto God how I would feel. But He is oh so different!

His response was more likely, Oh what joy! What delight! My two children are coming to me again. They aren't giving up. They love their friends. They bring me such joy when they come to me! It thrills me. It delights me. I love them so much! I understand them and I rejoice every single time they come to me. After all, I am their Father, their Daddy who loves them perfectly and longs to hear their voices cry out to me.

Today He sees you and me and He says, Oh what joy you bring me! Just call on me. Come to me. It doesn't matter what you've done or left undone, just come! I delight in you for you are my child!

"What do you want for dinner?"

by Susan Yates

Recently I've observed an interesting practice by a number of parents with young children. As dinner time draws near the parent asks the child, "What would you like for dinner?" One child wants macaroni and cheese, another chicken soup, absolutely no peas insists one, while another can't decide what she wants. Negotiating and persuading and arguing leave at least one child whining, and the parent frustrated and exhausted. Meal time becomes a battlefield instead of a happy recollection of the day's events.

Why is this happening? Parents genuinely want to please their children. We want our kids to eat well and we know they'll eat what they like. We are more into food and nutrition these days than in the past. And we like for our children to have choices.

But wait a minute. There are some unintended things happening in this practice that can be unhealthy.

1.Young children should not be determining the meals. It's not their call. It's their parents'. This decision puts the children squarely in control in the family, a control that they were not created to have nor emotionally equipped to handle. It subtly places the child in the role of "boss" and the parent relegated to "short order cook." This is unhealthy for the child and undermines the control of the parents. A child who calls the shots in the home will become insecure because he was not meant to be in a position of authority over his parent.

2. Our children are growing up in a world of choices with a greater freedom than ever to make their own choices. While this may be good, the level of stress it creates in a child can become burdensome. Throughout the day at preschool or school they are faced with a plethora of choices which they have to make. They don't need to be faced with this again when they come home to dinner. Their stress will be relieved when the dinner is decided for them. A kindergarten specialist says, "I have had several children through the years that couldn't deal with uncertainty. One little boy kept disrupting the class at different times. It took me a while to realize that he needed to know what was coming next so I began to give him a "heads-up " if I was about to change activity or location. I didn't give him a choice. I just let him know what was coming. The problem was solved. Children like to know someone is in charge. If you make them think they are in charge, they will expect to be in charge when you least expect it."

3. We are all raising children to be good guests. Training in manners begins at an early age. How will your 7- or 8-year-old respond when invited out to someone's home and they don't like what they are served to eat? Or what about a teenager invited to a dinner party? How will you expect her to graciously accept what is put before her when she has been used to accepting or rejecting food at home? If we want to raise kids with good manners they must be taught at home to graciously accept what is put before them, taking a few bites of everything they are given.

4. By the end of the day Mama is exhausted. Dad is too. So are our kids. We do not need to set ourselves up for unnecessary conflict, and this is usually what happens when dinner choice is put before children. It is very hard to avoid negotiating. Wouldn't you as the Mom love for food not to become another battlefield? This is one conflict that can be avoided.

If you have been allowing your kids to dictate the meal plan and you realize this is not wise, here are a few tips that will help you bring about change:

• Explain the changes that are going to take place. Be as specific as possible and with older kids explain "why."
• Expect dissension. Your kids might not eat what you have prepared. Simply insist that they stay at the table until everyone else has finished and let them know they cannot have anything else to eat until morning.
• Prepare for the complaining to last for four to five days. (They have to see we are trustworthy!) Keep a long-range perspective. We are building character for the future and we want to raise polite adults.

You can still inject some freedom into your dinners. Occasionally declare one night "free choice" night and make it a celebration. On each person's birthday let the birthday child or adult choose the family's menu for their "birthday meal." This will make choice special rather than merely a burden.

I believe you will discover that your meals are less stressful, and once your family gets accustomed to the change, you'll find you no longer dread dinner time but instead enjoy it!

Relieve holiday stress before it arrives

by Susan Yates

Just the other day I was chatting with some friends, primarily mothers of young children. They were already feeling anxious about the holiday events now being scheduled. In addition, they were worried about different family members coming to visit.

Finally one commented, "I just want to get through it. I want it to be over!"

We can all identify with this in some way. It is indeed a sad commentary on our culture and on our lifestyles. What is meant to be a season of celebration has today become a season of stress.

What can we do to alleviate some of the stress and recapture a sense of the true spirit of Thanksgiving and Christmas before they arrive?

Three things will help:

1. Lower your expectations. The media often creates a vision of the holidays as a time of warm family relationships, relatives sitting by the fire roasting chestnuts, children happily giving and receiving, and, of course snow falling everywhere. Families sick with swine flu, kids fighting over toys, a dad who isn't there, estranged relatives, a schedule way too full, an unexpected emergency, and the lack of funds are rarely pictured. It is so easy for us to become swept up in what we think it should look like as opposed to the reality. And we tend to think we're the only ones-surely no one else's life is like mine!

We need to define realistic expectations for this coming season. Brainstorm with your husband or close girlfriend. Ask yourself what you can do to obey the great commandments (love God, and love your neighbor) during this season.  How can you lower your expectations on relationships and grant grace instead of succumbing to disappointment? How can you prepare your children to understand the real meaning of this season?

2. Simplify your lifestyle. I have found one of the leading causes of stress is that we try to cram too much into these days. We live in a culture that screams, "The more the better!" And yet often less is definitely better. Instead of watching your calendar fill up, go ahead now and block out personal time, couple times, and family times. Then when that really nice invitation comes along, have the courage to say, "I'm so sorry we have a conflict." It is far easier to set boundaries before the commitments start to pile up.

We can also simplify our own traditions. Do you really need to decorate your mailbox because all the other neighbors do? Do you have to give gifts to every family member? Because my husband, John, and I have large families, we've always drawn names for siblings and their spouses. So we each give one gift to one sibling or spouse. Our own five children and and their spouses draw names between each other as well. It simplifies gift giving and saves money, too.

3. Determine what you can delete or postpone. You may have a tradition of a cookie bake with girlfriends. But do you really need to do it at this time? Why not postpone it until the end of January when life is not so packed? You'll relieve stress and enjoy it more. Or those couples you do a Christmas event with every year ... why not postpone this gathering until a date in the winter? Look at what you have done in the past and determine what to eliminate this year. Be courageous and eliminate one or two things you usually do and instead declare a family night at home alone. It helps to remember that every time you say "yes" to something, you should say "no" to something else.

This coming season is a time to "Be still and know that I am God" (Psalm 46:10). We have to be ruthless with our schedules and grant extra grace in our relationships if we want to soak in the miracles of this season.

Now it's your turn! Send us your best ideas for relieving holiday stress!

Are our kids overcommitted?

by Susan Yates

Are you overwhelmed with your fall schedule? Do you feel like you are racing from one carpool to the next, dashing to pick up one child before another needs to be taken to a different place? Do you find yourself rushing home to fix a supper that has become a "grab it and zap it (in the microwave) event" before someone has another commitment? Do you secretly long for a "snow day " when everything is canceled? Does it seem like everyone in your household is crabby and stress is at maximum? If you do, you are not alone.

Today's culture is full of challenges. Many are obvious but some are so subtle that we can fail to recognize them. One of the subtle ones is the proliferation of too many good choices. There are so many great opportunities for our kids to take advantage of and we are apt to think, If I'm going to be a good parent, my child needs to take advantage of these opportunities.

But let's get honest. Sometimes we are merely falling prey to parental peer pressure that says that whoever's child is involved in the most activities is the best parent. And the activities are usually so good—the extra language class, select sports team, orchestra, youth group, community service, dance, etc. And so we sign our child up for one more team. Of course the child begs for this. After all his best friend is playing this sport so he just has to. And now our families are marked by exhausted kids, stressed parents, and an irritable atmosphere. There's little time for in-depth conversation. We are simply too tired. It's easy to find we are merely passing by each other as we rush from one thing to the next.

We need to stop and take a long hard look at what really matters and ask the following questions:

Ten years from now will it matter more that we signed our child up for one more team or activity in order to collect one more trophy or will it matter more that we said no to another activity and instead set aside several nights a week to have dinner together as a family to nourish family relationships?

Do we want to collect trophies that will soon be gathering dust on a closet shelf or do we want to invest in family friendships that will last a life time?

We will not be popular parents when we say no. Our kids may pitch a fit. Our friends may think we are crazy. But in the long run we will be investing in what really matters—family relationships—and these take time to nurture.

Let's guard against parental peer pressure. It's all too easy to fall prey to it without even realizing it. One day, way in the future, your kids will thank you. And meanwhile if you bravely delete some things from your lives, you will relieve some of the crabbiness in your home.

Some fun things about getting older

by Susan Yates

I don't feel old. Okay, so I do have 14 grandchildren with another one due any day, and I think magnifying mirrors are the worst invention ever. But so what if I tire more easily and can't multitask to the extent that I used to? I am not old. In fact on the days when I go for a good long run I feel about 38—that is until a 30-something races past me without even breathing hard.

However, I have found that there are many things I like about getting older:

• We don't feel like we have to prove ourselves the way we did when we were young.

• We realize some things aren't as big a deal as we once thought they were.

• We don't have toddlers pulling on every part of our bodies 24/7.

• We have a bigger collection of funny stories to tell because we've live through more seasons of life.

• We can laugh more easily at the mistakes we made "back then."

• We're a little wiser than we once were.

• We're not as afraid to say what we really think and sometimes younger people actually ask us for advice.

• We don't have to concentrate as much on building our resumes.

• We have more clarity as to what we are good at and what we aren't and this knowledge enables us to make better decisions.

• We've had time to begin to understand that God is patient. He does what is best not necessarily what is fast.

• We have lived long enough to see God bring a prodigal home, redeem a broken marriage, reconcile a relationship, and provide in miraculous ways over and over again.

• Because of the years gone by, we have experienced the faithfulness of God in various situations and if we meditate on our collection of His faithful acts, it enables us to trust Him for the future.

The bad news is we are getting older. The good news is we are getting older. And with age and experience come wisdom!

We'd love to hear from you. So send along the things you are finding that are fun about getting older. This applies to each one of us—we are all older than someone else!

Living in the present

by Susan Yates

When I think back over my life, one of the things that I regret is that I didn't soak in the season I was in at the time. I feel like I have rushed through life packing in way too much. So much of the past seems like a blur of sleep deprivation, dirty diapers, five teens at once, four weddings in three summers, and now 13 grandkids with two more soon to arrive.

It's all gone by so fast--too fast. I wish I had soaked in each precious moment. I'm a planner by nature, however. I tend to live in the future, planning next week, next year. Too often I'm on to the next thing and I fail to really live in the present, soaking up what God might have for me in the moment. Consequently I think I've missed out on a lot. I have not been attentive to stillness and quiet. I've not really soaked in the moment, and sadly I wonder what I have missed.

A friend recently challenged me to let my life be "not so much about doing for God as paying attention to what God is doing." So in an attempt to live more in the present and pay attention to God, I select one character trait of God to focus on each day. During my weekly runs, I strive to block out thoughts about my to-do list, concerns for a child, people who need prayer, etc., and instead simply think about God in the context of the trait for that day. Today my character trait was that our God is always "fully present."

I took time to notice the fading blackberries, the diversity of bark on different trees, the smell of cut grass, marveling in the ways in which He is fully present and the amazing comfort that brings. This focus takes discipline for me because my mind tends to run to other things so I must keep bringing my thoughts back into an awareness of His presence.

He has been there in the past and He will be there in the future, but at this very moment He is most fully present. And I don't want to miss out on this very moment.

Our summer highlight: a big anniversary

by Susan Yates

This summer we celebrated 40 years of marriage. Our anniversary is actually August 23, but this year we declared the whole summer a celebration. In the past, John and I have never been into gifts or big anniversary celebrations, be we decided that this year is different. One reason is that we are acutely aware of the many Christian marriages that are crumbling. Many have just worn out. Some old ones seem to be dying of neglect, others due to genuine crises. We understand the challenges. Marriage takes steady work. It's a lifelong covenant and we'll never get it down perfectly. After all we are two self-centered people trying to build a union.

We realized how important it is to celebrate what we do have—however imperfect it is. And so we decided to surprise our children and at our family reunion in June we formally recommitted ourselves to our marriage vows. Our kids had gathered with all the grandchildren in the front yard of the farm for the annual family photo which a friend was taking. An hour earlier my husband had told our son, JY, who is a pastor, what was up and had asked him to lead us through our vows. 

John and I dressed while the kids gathered, unaware of the drama about to unfold. I wore my wedding dress which had also been my mother's. Never mind that I couldn't zip it all the way up my back. I just pinned it at the top and was very stylish in a partially backless wedding dress. (No one ever warned me that our ribs would expand with age!) But I was after sentiment, not a fashion statement. John appropriately put on his cowboy hat, jeans and cowboy shirt with his tux jacket. And we both wore cowboy boots. We pushed the hidden tape recorder on which we had pre-recorded the majestic "Trumpet Voluntary" and it roared out over the valley as we glided out the front door in our wedding garb to the utter shock of our kids.

There were indeed some tears in the crowd as our son, with his 2-year-old in one arm and the Anglican Prayer Book in the other, took us through our vows again. And for the two of us it was a time of intense gratitude for the goodness of God in giving us these years.

Several weeks later the two of us were out to dinner alone. Over dinner we reflected on how special that recommitment was and how we wanted to continue to appreciate one another and what we have. What we realize is that in marriage it is easier to focus on the negatives, the lacks or the disappointments in our mate instead of taking time to focus on what we love and are thankful for in the other person.

While we ate our dinner, we decided to take turns telling each other things we love about one another until over the next few weeks we came up with 40 each. Some were silly and some serious. I love the way John sometimes winks at me. He mentioned that he loves the way I jump on the riding mower and mow without being asked!

We haven't hit 40 things yet but that's good. We want to continue to celebrate, not finish!

And why quit with 40?