Three cheers for the meanest mom!

by Barbara Rainey

Teenagers are fond of labeling people—both those they admire and those they don't. In their emotional declarations, their parents usually are the recipients of only negative descriptors such as, "uncool, mean, unfair, so strict," and others I'm not hip enough to know.

But when you are the recipient of the moniker, "meanest mom" or something similar, then you can know you are probably doing a great job parenting. Jane Hamledon discovered that recently. 

After finding alcohol in her son's car she decided to sell the car and share her 19-year-old son's misdeeds with everyone by placing an ad in the local newspaper. Her ad and the story it created made its way to the Associated Press where it was reported widely.

The ad reads:

OLDS 1999 car for sale. Totally uncool parents who obviously don't love teenage son, selling his car. Only driven for three weeks before snoopy mom who needs to get a life found booze under front seat. Call meanest mom on the planet.

The 48-year-old mom says she has fielded more than 70 calls from emergency room technicians, nurses, school counselors, and others all who wanted to congratulate her. "It's overwhelming the number of calls I've gotten from people saying, 'Thank you, it's nice to see a responsible parent.' So far there are no calls from anyone saying, 'You are really strict, lady.'"

The only critic is her son, who she says is "very, very unhappy" with the ad and claims the alcohol was left by a passenger. Jane said she believes her son but has decided mercy isn't the best policy in this case. She says she set the rules when she bought him the car: no alcohol and always keep it locked.

As soon as I read this I became a fan of Jane's. Parents of teens are so beleaguered and weary that when we read of a mom who clearly had the upper hand, who was not manipulated by her son, who stuck to her rules, we are encouraged. Her choices give us courage to also be strong with our teens.

So to all you moms of teens, "be strong and courageous and do not fear" as God said to Joshua and to us. If Jane can do it so can you!

From another mom who was called mean by her own children (who are now adults benefiting from not getting away with breaking the rules), I say three cheers for the "meanest mom on the planet."  I think Jane should get "Mother of the Year"!

Black History Month—and me

by Janel Breitenstein

Posters pressed to the large windows at Barnes & Noble reminded me that it is Black History Month. Now that I have a kindergartner for whom I'm responsible, what has been a good thing in years past now strikes me as an opportunity.

My son is blonde, blue-eyed, and like his mama, talks like a Yankee (except when imitating Mater from Cars). But with Dr. King's birthday last month, I had a motherly "aha!" moment: This is a chance to instill some compassion and understanding in my son of the people he'll meet who are different from him as well as pass along a lesson I learned in college.

I remember a particular October Sunday in Chicago where faculty from my university had arranged the opportunity for a vulnerable, authentic conversation on the topic of race. A number of revelations left footprints on my brain from that afternoon. Among them, I realized a misconception I had held. When I'd seen an African American friend, I'd seen him or her as "just like me." But from our discussions that afternoon, I realized my error. Overcoming racism doesn't just assume equality. It requires understanding that often, because my friends are black, they have had to overcome things I have not.

Yes, gratefully, the civil rights movement rocked our world here in the South. For example, my son doesn't quite understand why people "treated people with brown skin mean." But even those African Americans who spoke on that Sunday afternoon who were from the North (where I grew up) recalled ways that their skin color had altered their reality: with law enforcement officers, teachers, store clerks, parents of a potential date.

Later, for a senior term paper, I interviewed African American students on my campus. Yep, each of them had been the object of callous, rather ignorant remarks or snubbing. And this was in 2002.

So as I contemplate Black History Month and what effect it will have on my young son, I want him to understand that the kids next door or his "adopted" aunt are created specially by God. But I also want him to learn a lesson in compassion and to understand what people who don't look like him have endured, and are still enduring. So we're going to check out some books from the library and snuggle up for a history lesson on some great role models: for starters, the courage of Rosa Parks. The perseverance of Dr. King. The ingenuity of George Washington Carver. The leadership of Booker Washington.The bravery of Harriet Tubman and Frederick Douglass.

I'm sure we'll both have something to learn.

Burned by betrayal

by Jennifer Dyer

Have you ever felt betrayed by a close friend? How about a business associate? A spouse? Has someone ever spread lies about you to ruin your reputation? What about having to watch, helpless, while a former friend or loved one uses an unscrupulous lawyer and false accusations against you, all in the name of greed. Or, worse, have you watched your child suffer through the pain and sting of betrayal or bullying? Though hard to imagine at the beginning of an association with another person, I cannot think of anyone who has not experienced this pain in some form or fashion.

In a recent conversation with a successful business woman and fellow mom who is in the midst of a betrayal crisis, she told me this was one of the lowest points of her life. Marred by false accusations, her only recourse would be to spend millions in legal fees to fight someone else's greed. This is all too common—just like the playground bully, except the stakes are much higher and there seems to be no recess monitor who can help.  

What do we do in the midst of such suffering? Where do we turn? Prayer and God's Word. Yes, that seems to be the quick answer so many people give to others who are suffering, but it is so true. When I am feeling despondent I often read through David's psalms. David is a man who knows the sting of betrayal, the pain of bullying, the feeling of loneliness. In some of his psalms his compassion rings true, but I have often been comforted by some of the other psalms where David calls out to his Advocate in heaven, the Lord. He calls for God to rescue him, to seek vengeance on his enemies, to come and comfort him. David knew how to pour out his heart to God.

Today, as I did my daily Bible reading, I turned to Psalm 18. Take a moment to read it. David calls God his strength, deliverer, shield, salvation, refuge, rock, and fortress. David also goes on to describe God's answer to his cries of distress. I love the language David uses. He describes earthquakes, storms, lightening, and God's vengeance upon the people who pursued him.

Yet, this is the same David who refuses to kill one of the men trying to kill him—his own father-in-law, King Saul. Instead, David confronts Saul and reminds him that the Lord will be the judge between them. It was much later when Saul received judgment from the Lord and David was able to return to his home, but David kept his hope in the Lord and not in his own power. 

Jesus, too, suffered the pain of betrayal. When we suffer, we can take comfort in the fact that Jesus has overcome this world and that our joy lies in what is to come. Plus, in suffering, we get a glimpse of what Jesus did for us, what he chose to do for us. In fact, my suffering mom friend said this was one of her most comforting thoughts.

I pray that the God of comfort will be with you always. 

Divorce is not the answer

by Tracey Eyster

When I hear about families going through divorce I feel an overwhelming sense of grief and loss. I have friends who have been devastated by divorce. Divorce is heartbreaking, and all the more when one of the parties is blindsided by the decision of the other to give up and end the marriage.

This seems to be happening more and more. Things get hard, marriage stops being fun, life gets serious, issues arise, and someone decides they do not want to work at it and they just leave.

Is this happening to couples you know? It is happening to couples I know, and oddly, it is the women who are choosing to leave the marriage and seek divorce.

A few weeks ago I was speaking to a friend who said she knew 10 couples who were headed toward divorce. In each case it was because the wife decided it wasn't worth the hassle to work at it; she'd had enough and she was out of there.

I struggle to comprehend how a woman can give up on her family without fighting for it. Actually, I get angry. It seems like such an unbelievable display of selfishness. If you and your husband are fighting and having problems, don't think you are alone in your struggles. 

All marriages suffer and have problems—all marriages. In the situations I am speaking of here, there is no abuse. The reasoning behind the divorce has been because of everyday life: a husband and wife drifting apart and not taking the time and effort to do something about the "drift" and the refusal to work through the problems and seek help.

When did our society decide that marriage was supposed to be all light and fluffy? Why are so many buying the lie that if you are not happy, you should just leave. Marriage is hard. Marriage is where life gets real. And each of us should have realized that going into it ... better or worse, richer or poorer ... remember?

I have had many women assume that my husband is perfect because it appears to them that our marriage is so good. I laugh and tell them that our marriage is so good, but not because my husband is perfect. At his worst he can act like an overbearing jerk. And I, at my worst, am a pouty little snot. But we know this about each other and we work at marriage.

My goodness, moms, we spend our days teaching our children that the world does not revolve around them and they have to learn to get along well with their friends and siblings. We constantly remind them to extend grace to others, to realize others are not always mean on purpose but that they just don't think sometimes. Maybe we should remind ourselves the same thing when it comes to our relationship with our husbands.

So, if you have had recurring thoughts of disappointment and anger toward your husband and you are getting fed up, please allow me to mother you a bit ...

The world does not revolve around you. You need to work at getting along with your husband. You need to extend grace to your husband. Your husband is not being mean on purpose—sometimes he just doesn't think.

Marriage is a covenant relationship and God made it that way because He realized that left to our own we would want to walk away. But a covenant is a commitment, so we must stick it out and work at it. If you need tips on how to work at it, spend some time reading the very helpful articles on the FamilyLife website or make plans now to attend a Weekend to Remember marriage conference.

If you need someone to talk to I encourage you to call your local church or locate a Christian counselor, but don't just give up ... divorce is not the answer.

Give like you mean it

by Janel Breitenstein

Sometimes I give but I really don't.

I'll tell my husband, for example, to go enjoy a night out on his own—no kids or work to worry about. (He frequently does the same for me.) But when the kids start acting up (imagine that!), or I start to lose my cool ... or my sanity ... the internal monologue begins: Do you know how much I could use a night out? Hope he knows how much this costs! Lovely, loving thoughts, I know.

Or maybe he'll get home and I'll drop hints about the things that went wrong so he'll appreciate my sacrifice. Hope you enjoyed your night, Honey, because you should have felt guilty for actually doing what I said you could do!

Or try scenario #2. My kids ask me for something. Again. May I have another drink please, Mom? Can I play one more computer game? Or even better, OWWWW! I hit my noggin while doing something rambunctious that you told me not to do! Will you please kiss it? I say yes, but in my heart—and even with my voice at times—I don't really say yes.

Scenario #3: I've volunteered to do something for someone. Bring a meal, watch their kids, stuff like that. But when the stove's boiling over while the baby's crying, or when five kids get a little nutso all at once, then I can start complaining inside about the work, which I actually wanted to be doing for God in the first place. 

So lately as I've found myself in a situation where I'm temped to feel like a martyr, I ask myself, Am I really giving cheerfully here? Am I giving with my whole heart, or actually taking back what I said I'd give?

I have it on good authority that God loves it when I give cheerfully....and I'm thinkin' He's not the only one!

Olympic Impossibilities

by Dannah Gresh

Did you, or did you not, gasp when China's Shen and Zhao faltered on that lift? I could hardly contain myself as I waited for their scores to find out if—after years of Russian domination in Olympic figure skating pairs—the married couple who'd come out of retirement to compete had won. I almost thought all my cheering for them on Facebook had been useless, until I saw that beam of joy that Shen Xue is known for erupt from her face accompanied by a magnificent scream!

You see, Russia has had a grip on pairs figure skating since the 1964 Games in Innsbruck. For the last 12 years, they've taken the gold. China entered the Olympic pairs skating scene just 26 years ago. And they stunk! Half of the first Chinese skating duo was Yao Bin. You can see video footage of the 1984 Olympic games online. Slow spins. Shaky lifts. One spill.

Yao Bin decided to become a coach with the goal of winning gold at the Olympics for his nation. All he had to do was drastically improve the Chinese skating program and unseat the powerhouse of Russia.

That's where the story of skating looks like an allegory for marriage. You see, Russia entered these games with their hopes resting on a pair that was half true-blooded Russian and half Japanese-girl-turned-Russian-citizen-within-the-year-just-to-win. Can you say manipulation? Now, I don't know the details and I'm sure it's more complicated, but I just had a feeling that these two flawless skaters couldn't pull it off. Manipulation, you see, is rarely a tool of winners. In marriage or on the ice.

China came to this year's competition with Yao Bin coaching two skaters who might as well have been in wheelchairs when it comes to skating. He is 38. She is 31. Shen and Zhao were retired, but came back just to compete.

The world's winning-est team powered up by a Japanese world champion versus two retired never-winning-gold Chinese teammates.

On February 15, 2010, Yao Bin cried great tears of joy when the team of Shen and Zhao took the gold, followed by another Chinese team who took silver. 

Russia placed fourth.

I cried too. I cried for Shen and Zhao and Yao Bin. But I also cried because it reminded me to trust God with my marriage and family—rather than to manipulate things so I can win. 

Valentine ideas for kids

by Barbara Rainey

Finding creative ways to reach into our children's hearts is always a challenge for parents. And it's the heart and mind we want to influence so that when they are on their own they will make wise choices. A line we repeated often with our tweens and teens was, "garbage in, garbage out." Meaning, of course, that if they allowed bad language, poor viewing choices, and negative relationships into their lives, that is what would come out.

One night my husband resorted to paying our teens to study the Bible. I know that will probably cause some of you to wince, feeling we were lowering our status as parents to becoming mercenaries. But we only did it once, not because it didn't work, but because we didn't want that to be their only motivation. Sometimes a parent gets desperate!

After dinner we offered our two girls who were both in high school the opportunity to earn a little cash. They each got a fat concordance and their own Bibles. The assignment was to find as many verses on the heart as they could and write them out. The time limit was 30 minutes. The payment was cheap. (Our youngest, Laura, remembers it being 25 cents. I thought it was 10 cents, and Dad Rainey remembers it as having cost him a fortune. I don't think they made more than $5.00 each. Ah, fading memories!)

Surprisingly, they agreed to the terms and got after it, partly to see who could get the most—competition always works with siblings—and partly to make the most cash. But the benefit for us as parents was the interaction we had as a family when they shared the verses they found. And there are many references to the heart in Scripture. They were genuinely amazed at how many.

Equally surprising to them was the variety of descriptions. Among their discoveries was the hard heart, the evil heart, a divided heart, and God's favorite, a heart wholly devoted to Him. The logical question was what kind of heart did they want and why. The answers may have been perfunctory, but parents can read their kids most of the time and I saw sincere interest and amazement at what they discovered all on their own.

Hearts are the symbol of Valentines. So take advantage of the emphasis and have a Bible search contest of your own. And you don't have to pay your kids. You will probably be more creative than we were in finding the right motivation.

Cooped up with kids?

by Susan Yates

A huge historic blizzard is raging in the Washington, D.C,. area where I live. In a city that prides itself on being known as the most important city in the world, it's a beautiful and humorous reminder that man is not in charge.

From the important people on Capitol Hill to the important moms in the homes, everyone is feeling a bit out of control as the snow piles up, the government is shut down, and schools closed yet again.

Last night several of my young mom friends managed to dig out of their drives and gather at my house for supper. When I asked if we should cancel because of the treacherous conditions one replied, "No way. If I don't get out of my house there's no telling what I might do to my kids!" Now there's an honest mom for you!

It is wearying to be shut up inside with a bunch of toddlers and young elementary kids for days on end. Especially when you are used to a mother's day out, preschool, or regular school. You may have awakened this morning dreading another day of whining, sibling rivalry, boredom, a trashed house, and wondering how you could get through the day (the next hour?) without losing your cool. Take comfort. You are not alone and you are normal.

Here are a few things that might help if you too are cooped up with kids, whether its the weather, sick kids, or simply your season in life:

1. Pretend that you are running a "Family Camp."

Draw up a schedule for the next several days. Think in terms of one to two hour blocks. A craft block, a reading block, a quiet/nap time block, a play together block, and a free play alone block. For the "free play alone" block, organize different toys into separate stations. You can set a timer and have kids rotate from station to station. You may need to have the kids help you clean out, throw out, and organize the toys. I once realized that my toys were all jumbled together and when I sent the kids to play they couldn't find parts and quickly became bored. Cleaning out and separating the toys helped and they actually got interested again in old things.

Kids respond to structure. It gives them a sense of security because they know what to expect. They will fight less. And you'll have an emotional lift because you have a plan.

2. Be creative with unusual ideas.

One of my favorites is to go to an appliance store or the local bike shop and get a large box. Cut out windows and doors, hand out crayons and stickers, and let the kids decorate. Smaller boxes also work for train cars for little kids and each child loves to have their own. Here are some more ideas: cover a table with a blanket or sheet for a fort; finger paint in the bath tub; watch old family movies; look at old family pictures together; gather kids to help clean out a closet you've been avoiding; cook together; play dress up (put paper grocery bags over heads with cut outs and decorate!); put on music and have a dance party. If you need fresh ideas, call a friend up and compile a list together.

When you have some unusual things planned you'll create a sense of "fun" instead of merely endurance, And you'll use the TV, videos, and the computer less and instead encourage your child's creativity.

3. Schedule some "alone time" for yourself.

Work out a trade with your spouse or a neighbor so that each of you can have at least one and a half hours alone while the other takes the kids. Lock your bedroom door, put on headphones, or walk to a coffee shop. It's best to plan early so you'll know your turn for peace is coming! If you discover that all the neighborhood kids are "living" at your house, you may need to put a sign on your front door for part of the day that says, "family rest time, please come back later" so you can have a break. Yes, your kids will object, but do it anyway. You all need a little peace.

If you know you are going to have that time alone your attitude will change when you are with the kids!

4. Do something for someone else.

Shovel a neighbor's walk, get coffee for the snow plow drivers, cook for a neighbor, bake cookies for you mailman or trash collector, send cards and pictures to family members or shut-ins.

We want to raise kids that are "other-centered" rather than "self-centered." When we start feeling bored or sorry for ourselves its' a great time to do something specific for someone else.

Valentine most romantic tips

by Barbara Rainey

My husband is on Facebook. It was an affront to our 23-year-old daughter when he joined and she let him know he was "too old" for this modern media format. He was not dissuaded. He is managing it quite well as opposed to me and enjoys posting and getting feedback from so many. He'd welcome you if you want to friend him. As would I, but I haven't learned to post nearly as often.

The story I want to share is the amazing response he has gotten from a question he posted this week. It was, "What is the most romantic thing your spouse has done for you?" The answers have been wonderful, varied, and encouraging. Here are a few.

"He doesn't stare at other women, but makes a point to look away and focus only on me, giving me a smile or a wink. This makes me feel like the most beautiful woman alive." (Connie)

"Years ago, when we didn't have a lot, my dear husband took me to a nearby town to spend the day. We had a babysitter for the kids. During the time we were gone, my husband had arranged for his mom to come over and make dinner for us, and had it warming in the oven. She had set our table with our wedding china. She was gone by the time we got there ... It was really sweet." (Rose)

"This may not sound romantic on the front end, but it is to me. After suffering years of infertility, we finally conceived only to later discover that it was an ectopic pregnancy and I would need emergency surgery. In the surgery waiting room, my husband insisted on being with me, even though he was told he couldn't. He sat with me and held my hand and looked me straight in the eyes and said, "I love you and I promise you that we are going to be okay." Infertility can make a woman feel like a failure, but I gained so much security in knowing that God gave me this man who loved me no matter what. I think that's the most romantic thing a man can do for his wife—he gave me security." (Heather)

"My wife writes a daily note sharing something she loves about me. She's been doing this for more than two years. We're geographically separated due to my military service ... these notes have been a lifeline to keep me afloat in the deep end of life! Thanks, honey!" (Matthew)

"Okay ... most people probably won't find this romantic but my wife got me a mini-season ticket package to the Houston Astros. She knows my love language." (Scott)

"The short version: Sherry and I divorced on the day of our 14th wedding anniversary, went to a Weekend to Remember two months later, and then, (here's the romantic part) got remarried on the porch of the old home we are remodeling together. God is the great redeemer!" (Scott)

There were other great comments, some funny, but overall really encouraging to hear so many varied responses. I haven't decided what I'll do this year, but last year I gave my husband a gift he has really enjoyed. He loves to tell the story because it sounds so unromantic and always gets a laugh which is the point. But he wanted it. And it's a real man gift. I gave my husband a chainsaw for Valentine's!

Whatever works! 

Valentine ideas for hubby (please forward)

by Tracey Lanter

Valentine's Day must be a real stress-er for our husbands.

All the advertising pointed at them is trying to sell, sell, sell: Get her a box of chocolate, take her out for an amazing dinner, buy her a diamond, a car ... Come on, Buddy, show her you love her by pulling out the wallet.

Uh ... excuse me, I do not need my hubby's wallet to be happy. My guess is, you concur with me on that one.

Most of us just want something out of the ordinary and unexpected to occur as a special little reminder that yes, I am still his Valentine—he still loves me best.

If you agree, forward this post to your hubby (or others you know who need some ideas) and this will be your way of providing a hint as to just what would make a wife's heart sizzle this year.

I'll provide some ideas for all those hubbies out there, you add more through your comments, and let's all get to forwarding this to the men we know who may need a little help giving the right Valentine—One that does not involve a wallet!

• Make a "Why I love my wife" list, and name one item for every year you've been married, or one for every year of her life.
• Turn down the bed and put a single mint/candy on her pillow.
• Draw her a bath, put lit candles all in the bathroom, and give her one hour to pamper herself.
• Read something sweet out loud to her.
• Put on some special music and ask her to dance an "up close" slow dance—right there in your home.
• Give her a massage—hand, foot, full body—your choice (or all of the above).
• Write her a note describing all the reasons you married her.
• Clean something in the house you know she does not like to clean.
• Take her hand and pray for her, out loud.

Okay, ladies your turn. List some more ideas in the comment section!