Burned by betrayal

by Jennifer Dyer

Have you ever felt betrayed by a close friend? How about a business associate? A spouse? Has someone ever spread lies about you to ruin your reputation? What about having to watch, helpless, while a former friend or loved one uses an unscrupulous lawyer and false accusations against you, all in the name of greed. Or, worse, have you watched your child suffer through the pain and sting of betrayal or bullying? Though hard to imagine at the beginning of an association with another person, I cannot think of anyone who has not experienced this pain in some form or fashion.

In a recent conversation with a successful business woman and fellow mom who is in the midst of a betrayal crisis, she told me this was one of the lowest points of her life. Marred by false accusations, her only recourse would be to spend millions in legal fees to fight someone else's greed. This is all too common—just like the playground bully, except the stakes are much higher and there seems to be no recess monitor who can help.  

What do we do in the midst of such suffering? Where do we turn? Prayer and God's Word. Yes, that seems to be the quick answer so many people give to others who are suffering, but it is so true. When I am feeling despondent I often read through David's psalms. David is a man who knows the sting of betrayal, the pain of bullying, the feeling of loneliness. In some of his psalms his compassion rings true, but I have often been comforted by some of the other psalms where David calls out to his Advocate in heaven, the Lord. He calls for God to rescue him, to seek vengeance on his enemies, to come and comfort him. David knew how to pour out his heart to God.

Today, as I did my daily Bible reading, I turned to Psalm 18. Take a moment to read it. David calls God his strength, deliverer, shield, salvation, refuge, rock, and fortress. David also goes on to describe God's answer to his cries of distress. I love the language David uses. He describes earthquakes, storms, lightening, and God's vengeance upon the people who pursued him.

Yet, this is the same David who refuses to kill one of the men trying to kill him—his own father-in-law, King Saul. Instead, David confronts Saul and reminds him that the Lord will be the judge between them. It was much later when Saul received judgment from the Lord and David was able to return to his home, but David kept his hope in the Lord and not in his own power. 

Jesus, too, suffered the pain of betrayal. When we suffer, we can take comfort in the fact that Jesus has overcome this world and that our joy lies in what is to come. Plus, in suffering, we get a glimpse of what Jesus did for us, what he chose to do for us. In fact, my suffering mom friend said this was one of her most comforting thoughts.

I pray that the God of comfort will be with you always. 

Cooped up with kids?

by Susan Yates

A huge historic blizzard is raging in the Washington, D.C,. area where I live. In a city that prides itself on being known as the most important city in the world, it's a beautiful and humorous reminder that man is not in charge.

From the important people on Capitol Hill to the important moms in the homes, everyone is feeling a bit out of control as the snow piles up, the government is shut down, and schools closed yet again.

Last night several of my young mom friends managed to dig out of their drives and gather at my house for supper. When I asked if we should cancel because of the treacherous conditions one replied, "No way. If I don't get out of my house there's no telling what I might do to my kids!" Now there's an honest mom for you!

It is wearying to be shut up inside with a bunch of toddlers and young elementary kids for days on end. Especially when you are used to a mother's day out, preschool, or regular school. You may have awakened this morning dreading another day of whining, sibling rivalry, boredom, a trashed house, and wondering how you could get through the day (the next hour?) without losing your cool. Take comfort. You are not alone and you are normal.

Here are a few things that might help if you too are cooped up with kids, whether its the weather, sick kids, or simply your season in life:

1. Pretend that you are running a "Family Camp."

Draw up a schedule for the next several days. Think in terms of one to two hour blocks. A craft block, a reading block, a quiet/nap time block, a play together block, and a free play alone block. For the "free play alone" block, organize different toys into separate stations. You can set a timer and have kids rotate from station to station. You may need to have the kids help you clean out, throw out, and organize the toys. I once realized that my toys were all jumbled together and when I sent the kids to play they couldn't find parts and quickly became bored. Cleaning out and separating the toys helped and they actually got interested again in old things.

Kids respond to structure. It gives them a sense of security because they know what to expect. They will fight less. And you'll have an emotional lift because you have a plan.

2. Be creative with unusual ideas.

One of my favorites is to go to an appliance store or the local bike shop and get a large box. Cut out windows and doors, hand out crayons and stickers, and let the kids decorate. Smaller boxes also work for train cars for little kids and each child loves to have their own. Here are some more ideas: cover a table with a blanket or sheet for a fort; finger paint in the bath tub; watch old family movies; look at old family pictures together; gather kids to help clean out a closet you've been avoiding; cook together; play dress up (put paper grocery bags over heads with cut outs and decorate!); put on music and have a dance party. If you need fresh ideas, call a friend up and compile a list together.

When you have some unusual things planned you'll create a sense of "fun" instead of merely endurance, And you'll use the TV, videos, and the computer less and instead encourage your child's creativity.

3. Schedule some "alone time" for yourself.

Work out a trade with your spouse or a neighbor so that each of you can have at least one and a half hours alone while the other takes the kids. Lock your bedroom door, put on headphones, or walk to a coffee shop. It's best to plan early so you'll know your turn for peace is coming! If you discover that all the neighborhood kids are "living" at your house, you may need to put a sign on your front door for part of the day that says, "family rest time, please come back later" so you can have a break. Yes, your kids will object, but do it anyway. You all need a little peace.

If you know you are going to have that time alone your attitude will change when you are with the kids!

4. Do something for someone else.

Shovel a neighbor's walk, get coffee for the snow plow drivers, cook for a neighbor, bake cookies for you mailman or trash collector, send cards and pictures to family members or shut-ins.

We want to raise kids that are "other-centered" rather than "self-centered." When we start feeling bored or sorry for ourselves its' a great time to do something specific for someone else.

Moms and body image

by Jennifer Dyer

As a college student, I developed an eating disorder. I have many memories of my spiral into despair during those dark days. One of the most prominent, though, is when a friend, trying to reason with me, shook me by the shoulders and said, "You are not fat!"

My preoccupation with my weight began in early childhood. Though I was too young to express it—or even understand it—I refused to wear pants because I thought my thighs were too big. I'd been a chubby child and people said things to me like: "It's just baby fat, you'll grow out of it someday." And, "You're just heavy because of all the peanut butter you eat." Was I truly heavy at that time? Probably not.

My concern over my weight remained throughout my childhood and adolescence. I remember being afraid to wear the eighth grade gym uniform because it made me look fat. By the way, I was 5' 5" and weighed a whopping 103 pounds.

In graduate school, life stresses became so hard to deal with that I began to fast for long periods of time, thinking that I was being spiritual. But really it was all about control. I could go on, but I'd like to fast forward to my thirties.

I finally have the curves I've always wanted, but I have all the other curves to go along with them. My sister says I finally look like a "real, grown-up" woman. But inside I still have this voice telling me I'm not good enough because I'm fat and my clothes are tight. And I'm not alone.

It seems almost every conversation I have with friends my age almost always swings through the weight and body issue. And worse, I know our daughters hear it and internalize it. So why do we spend so much energy and time focused on our external selves?

Everywhere we look we see computer-cropped pictures of adolescent waifs who are made up to look like women. Or we see extremely fit women, who spend hours each day with a personal trainer. And once a woman gets too thin, a doctor can plump up whichever parts aren't big enough. Everywhere we look, we see that they need to be something else in order to be good enough.

What does God want us to be? This preoccupation with the outside self is another way to distract us from what is important. I Peter 3:4 says a woman should focus on:

...the hidden person of [her] heart, with the imperishable quality of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is precious in the sight of God.

God is focused on our hearts, not whether or not we can squeeze into the right pair of skinny jeans. Yes, we should take care of our bodies, as they are a gift from God. But let us spend our time focused on loving others rather than a number on a scale.

Allowances and chores

by Susan Yates

Recently a mom asked me what advice I would give her about granting her children an allowance and also about the connection of allowances to family chores. It's a good question, and one I've heard repeated over the years by many moms. And it's one we struggled with as we raised our five children.

I have found it helpful to separate chores from allowances. Why? Because having a chore is simply part of being a family. Everyone in the family needs to pitch in to help. One day your child will need to pitch in to do her share in an apartment she shares with friends. A son should be prepared to share the workload of keeping a household in order with his wife. It's simply part of living in community. You don't get paid for this. So in order to prepare them for the future we give our children chores now. The earlier you begin the better. A 2-year-old can help pick up toys. A 6-year-old can set the table. Kids can help cook, clean, take out the trash, and watch siblings.

Once our kids began to read we began a weekly chore chart. As they got older they did it on the computer and posted it weekly on the refrigerator. Because there were seven of us we had seven sections of the house that needed to be cleaned. Chores could be done any time between Friday and 6:00 p.m. on Saturday night. You could trade chores with another sibling. Bathrooms were a dreaded job. Of course the kids complained. But today my two daughters-in-law are pleased their husbands know how to scrub toilets! Chores are a valuable tool in training in thoughtfulness.

Allowances are also a useful training tool. Once your child reaches the age of 5 it's wise to begin an allowance, albeit a small one. Give the child three envelopes: one for giving (tithe), one for saving, and one for spending (now or later). Teach them to put at least 10% in their "give" and 10% in their "save" envelopes and the rest in their spend envelope. It may be only nickles, but you are training them in wise budgeting with an emphasis on giving first. As the kids get older you will adjust the amounts.

Allowances should not cover all their "wants." That's a bottomless well. And granting all their desires will simply promote selfishness. However, there will be times when they need extra money for that "special something." I keep a running list of extra chores for pay. Cleaning out the garage, scrubbing and cleaning out closets, polishing brass or silver, etc., are some of those extras I never seem to get to and need help with so these go on my extra chore list. When a child gets desperate for money, point her to this list. She can begin to earn the money to buy the item she desires but it may take her longer than she wants. This can be a good thing as she's learning to wait and to persevere. And sometimes that thing she just "had to have" doesn't seem so important after a few days.

Also be on the lookout for opportunities that present themselves to your family to teach your children that life isn't all about gaining money or possessions. The devastation in Haiti is an example. This is an opportunity for us to declare a "family work day." A day in which we as a family can do a project—a bake sale, car wash, yard work, etc., with all donations going to a Haitian relief project. Working together as a family purely to give can be transforming for us and for our kids.

What if every family (or several families working together) set aside one day in the next month to do this for others? Not only would a nation be helped, but a family—ours—would be changed. And a culture just might begin to turn from being "me-centered" to becoming "other-centered."

A lesson from the little ones

by Susan Yates

My son John and his wife Alysia came for a week after Christmas with their four little ones, ages 6 and under. It was a chaotic, energetic, noisy, exhausting, and absolutely wonderful time. All was not calm but it was bright.

I got up early with the kids so the weary parents could go back to bed. In the wee hours of the morning we curled up by the picture window to watch the sun rise over the hill. Sometimes gray clouds sent rays of beautiful hues of pink hurrying across the horizon as if to say, It may be gray now but in the gray there is beauty. But don't worry, the sun will still rise.  And every day it did. It just so happened that this very week the moon was full. So each evening right before bed time we turned out the house lights and gathered at the picture window to gaze at a marvelous full moon reflecting an unusually bright light on the snow left over from our rare blizzard.

One morning  I read to the children from Genesis 1:16, "God made two great lights, the sun to govern the day and the moon to govern the night." We talked about how the sun always comes up. We can count on it. And we noticed how the moon is there at night to remind us that God is there too. My granddaughter Sylvia often has trouble sleeping. She feels afraid and has scary thoughts.

I showed her Psalm 121 which I call my "watching over you" Psalm. She particularly liked verse 4. "He who watches over you will neither slumber nor sleep."

"Isn't it amazing?" I whispered as we looked in the darkness at the moon. "God is reminding us that He is always watching over us. We can count on Him."

Sylvia turned to me and said, "Ghee (her name for me), we could pray about that right now." Amazed at the ease with which she came up with it, I replied, "What a great idea!" So we prayed, "Thank you God that we can count on you just like we can count on the sun and the moon and thank you that you are always watching over us."

What will I remember about this Christmas season?   

A small ritual with small children focusing on a big God.

Early morning glances out the window to see
God's powerful sun appear proclaiming His glory.
When the sun went down we watched a full moon arise
As my little grandchildren marveled at its great size.
And I, in my complex world of duty,
Was quieted by the simplicity of God's great beauty.

Thank you, Father, for the pure, simple faith of little ones who help us see with fresh eyes how great you are.  

Nurturing the siblings of your special needs child

by Jennifer Dyer

One of the issues my husband and I often discuss is the well-being of our older child. With a severely autistic younger sister, my eldest spends a great deal of time in the car to and from therapy and waiting for us to take care of one of her sister's tantrums. Plus, she often doesn't get to participate in activities with her peers because of our family dynamic. So, we worry about how this will affect her in the long term.

We've talked to many people and spent a great deal of time coming up with ways to counterbalance some of the emotional burden eldest deals with on a daily basis.

Here are some of the solutions we've come up with and have gleaned from others:

Spend individual time with your typical children. Make time for each parent to get away with the other children in the family. My husband takes eldest out to movies and out to eat once or twice a month. He also spends time with her while I am doing something with Rachel. And vice-versa. He gives me time to take eldest places with her friends or just the two of us.

Be open about your child's disability. I've always been honest with my eldest about the issues her sister faces. I've never sugar-coated autism and have gone to great pains to explain it to her and any of her friends who have questions. We don't hide our issues, but we always act to protect Rachel and help others to understand her.

Plan projects. One of my hobbies is cake decorating, so I involve eldest in my projects that don't require a professional touch. I've let her make birthday cakes for her sister, and we do a lot of just-for-fun baking. The other day we decorated a gingerbread house together. The cleanup is no fun, but the time spent with my daughter is worth it.

Get your other children involved in an activity or sport they enjoy. Our daughter is a wonderful dancer, so her dance classes are a priority. We hire babysitters for her performances and allow her to tap dance all she wants at home. Britt Collins, an Occupational Therapist and speaker on sensory issues, said that an outside activity can give siblings of special needs children a feeling of importance and build their self-esteem. I think it can add to their feeling of normalcy and give them an outlet away from the stresses at home.

Encourage hobbies and interests. This is also good for your special needs child. Dr. Temple Grandin says that, in many cases, this can lead to life work and a career for people on the autism spectrum.

Allow your child to express his or her feelings. Sometimes my daughter just needs to know we understand how she feels. We all need to verbally express our sorrows and frustrations in an accepting environment. I am also open with my own feelings and shortcomings. We involve her in some of our decisions, especially the ones that will impact her.

Involve the siblings in therapy to the extent possible. We participate in Relationship Development Intervention (RDI) and allow our eldest to help out anytime we can. We give her jobs and roles to play in therapy. She often has more success with engaging her sister than we do.

Tell your children they are special. I always remind my eldest that God has blessed Rachel with such an amazing big sister.

A New Year. A good start!

by Karen Loritts

I am always reflective when I turn my calendar to a new year. There are the obvious questions: What goals did I meet from the previous year? What were the victories? What were the failures?

The stuffed closet finally was uncluttered and organized. My goal to entertain more guests in our home was met. Lastly, my recreational book readings increased. However, I fell short at increasing my exercise schedule by several minutes. A bummer!

Well, 2010 is here and I am instituting a "3-P System": Pray. Plan. Peace.

Prayer will now top my to-do list. The Bible says, "The plans of the heart belong to man, but the answer of the tongue is from the Lord" (Proverbs 16:1). Since my desire is to be a better listener to God's assignments in my life, having an effective prayer life will be essential.

My second goal is to plan to have more "white spaces" on my to-do list that will limit stress and pressures from life. Honestly, I tend to gripe and complain more when things are unfinished. It's not fair to my husband, family, and friends when I overwhelm my life.

Lastly, peace. As the matriarch of our growing family, I should champion a life of peace and contentment. Philippians 4:9 says, "The things you have learned and received and heard and seen in me, practice these things; and the God of peace shall be with you." Being a follower of Jesus Christ challenges me to live in His peace.

Prayer. Plan. Peace. These are workable!

One small solution to stuff-itis

by Janel Breitenstein

This week as I carted the new Christmas toys upstairs, contemplating where to store the new loot, I felt somewhat heavy and divided, as I have occasionally after Christmas. My children are richly blessed with thoughtful relatives who, like their Heavenly Father, love to give them good gifts. The kids were genuinely grateful, and enjoyed the fresh opportunities for creativity and the shimmering prospect of new childhood adventures.

But I wondered, How will I protect my children, who have never been in any significant form of want, from becoming infected by their stuff?

That topic can't be completely covered in an article—or even a book! And I've thought and prayed about it a lot. But for one small, more immediate solution, we decided for Christmas to try and give more experiences than gifts. This doesn't really address the issue of consumerism or helping our kids escape from the insulated bubble we can find ourselves in during prosperous times. But it does help us to still give to our children without gross overindulgence. And it does create lasting memories with our kids and investing our relationship with them rather than in things that moth and rust destroy. Here are a few ideas to get you started for next year, and may come in handy for birthdays and other occasions!

• A train ride. Your state, like ours, may even have a local steam engine that makes a round trip. Give engineer's hats and homemade tickets to present the gift.

• Zoo passes, childrens' theater season tickets, or museum passes.

• A class to learn about something they're interested in: art, dance, music, taekwondo, pottery ... the sky's the limit. To present the gift, try high-quality art supplies, dance shoes, sheet music, etc. Little kids might enjoy Gymboree Play & Music or similar classes for toddlers.

• A camping trip—possibly just that child and a parent. To present the gift, try a piece of camping equipment.

• A coupon book of parent-child outings to have that year. Older kids might appreciate Starbucks, a gift card for shopping together, or even a night away at a hotel. (These also spread out the cost of Christmas gifts over the year!)

• Go see something that they've read about, or a place that involves one of their interests.

• See a play, musical, concert, or sporting event.

May these offer a little help to love on your loved ones, and help you give even more like our Father.

 

Embrace messy children...really?

by Barbara Rainey

As I pulled away from school after dropping off my 6-year-old grandson, I gave thanks to God that I am sill healthy and energetic enough to do this babysitting of five grandsons.  My son-in-law's mother was to have kid duty this time but she's having back surgery so it fell to me to do the keeping.  And I am grateful.  As I'm in the middle of this child-centered house I'm remembering and reflecting while I enjoy these boys.  And I do enjoy them.  They are delightful.

When I was raising my kids our house was a mess most of the time.  I thought if I trained my six well enough they would obey quickly when it was clean up time.  But I underestimated their inherent sin nature and so it was usually a battle and I felt like a failure.  I suffered often under self-imposed guilt that I was not a good mother, that someone else might see what chaos we lived in regularly and think negatively of me.

My daughter does not.  She is truly a saint. She doesn't really enjoy the mess they make but she doesn't stress over it either, not allowing the normal chaos of children to reflect on who she is.  And I'm in awe of her ease with it all. 

So today as I write this, the four who are home—one because he was throwing up all day yesterday so he couldn't go to school today—are all building a multi-room fort in the living room.  The oldest hauled in card tables from the garage and blankets from upstairs.  They now have a child-sized mansion for all kinds of pretending.

Two of these boys have a creative side that is constantly being expressed on paper.  This morning two of them made lots of paper snow flakes which are now taped to the windows.  And the floor is covered with all the little snippets of leftover cut outs.  Last night another one created paper ornaments with tons of scotch tape.  His paper scraps are all over the kitchen.  I'm not cleaning until the end.  It's pointless.

The state of my daughter's house, which she would agree is usually a disaster, is not a reflection on her as much as it is a reflection on her kids.  They are not berated for being kids.  They play all over the house and not just in one room.  That's not to say that a parent who controls where their kids play is wrong, just that it's refreshing for me to watch this mother, my daughter, be so relaxed with her kids.  She really enjoys them and I did not do that enough. 

So while I am here we will be baking Christmas cookies and sprinkling sugars all over them and not worrying about the floors.  We'll be reading lots of books and stories.  And when Papa arrives after work there will be more adventures and games and rough stuff which thrill the boys.  My daughter will feel loved that we have delighted in her children and she will not care that the floor is a mess.

We will enjoy these gifts from God and relish their youth and innocence while it lasts knowing one day my daughter's house will be clean again, uncluttered by bits of paper, tons of toys, and apple juice stickys everywhere.

Thanksgiving memories and miracles

by Barbara Rainey

The Monday after Thanksgiving is like a hinge.  I'm cleaning—again—putting away all my fall decor and switching gears from one holiday to the next.  And I'm remembering.

It seems to have gone so fast.  All the weeks of anticipation and preparation for having my six children, their spouses, the 13 grandkids, plus our neighbor to our house for Thanksgiving culminated in a very busy but surprisingly smooth day.  Everyone arrived by 10 a.m., and we began our time with a scavenger hunt for all the kids.  The weather was perfect, cool and crisp.  There were no accidents, no tears from the losing team, and prizes for all. 

Knowing we could never keep the attention of 11 children under the age of 6, we chose to have a very simple quiz bowl instead of reading the Thanksgiving story from my book, Thanksgiving: A Time To Remember.  The time with our grandkids ended with our living room littered with M&M wrappers, pine needles that came in on little shoes, and all the leaves, twigs, and rocks from the scavenger hunt lined up on the coffee table.  As you can see, attention span was an issue.

Our feast and sharing of our personal thanks to God began soon after noon and was a great success.  It worked!  We fit 23 of us around two pushed together tables with the four oldest boys at the kitchen island and two little ones in high chairs, and we completed our collective thanksgiving with minimal interruption.

While I will be forever grateful for the day itself, it's the little things, the less-planned-for moments in the days prior and following that became the big things, the memories and miracles I will treasure.   In our family we often ask each other the question, "What were your top three memories or favorite times?"  Another way of reviewing life is to ask, "What is your high and low of the day?"  So here are my top three memories of Thanksgiving 2009.

1.  Far surpassing the other memories for me is the time I had with three of my daughters to pray for one of them who had had a very difficult experience several months ago.  We spent the day Tuesday doing some shopping and having coffee and tea at a local cupcake shop and on our way home stopped in a local park just to ask her how we could pray for her.  She shared a few thoughts but mostly said she just didn't know.  As the sun was setting and the car was darkening we prayed together for her.  It was peaceful and bonding and spoke love to her more than we expected. In the days that followed last week I saw a lightening of her countenance, a joy returning to her soul.  It was truly a miracle of God's Spirit bringing healing and hope to one we love so dearly.  It will be a lasting treasure .

2. My second memory was the joy of living together again under one roof.  Yes, the house was a wreck by Sunday night, but it did not matter.  To see my four children and their families who were able to stay through the weekend laughing together, playing together, dreaming about the future together with the eight cousins becoming great buddies was a delight.

3.  Like my list of things for which I am grateful, I could write about many more than just three memories, but that is part of the game.  I must choose three knowing the list could go on and on.  And so my third highlight is the moment our daughter and son-in-law revealed the results of the 18-week ultrasound on their twins.  Drum roll, please ... They will be having twin girls in early April, adding two to our current total of 14 grandkids!  And we are so very grateful to God for this incredible gift to them and to us.  

Thanksgiving is once again my favorite time of year as it calls me to remember and give thanks.  God's goodness to me is unending and His mercies new every morning.  How grateful I am for His work in my heart so that I might belong to His family forever!