Three cheers for the meanest mom!

by Barbara Rainey

Teenagers are fond of labeling people—both those they admire and those they don't. In their emotional declarations, their parents usually are the recipients of only negative descriptors such as, "uncool, mean, unfair, so strict," and others I'm not hip enough to know.

But when you are the recipient of the moniker, "meanest mom" or something similar, then you can know you are probably doing a great job parenting. Jane Hamledon discovered that recently. 

After finding alcohol in her son's car she decided to sell the car and share her 19-year-old son's misdeeds with everyone by placing an ad in the local newspaper. Her ad and the story it created made its way to the Associated Press where it was reported widely.

The ad reads:

OLDS 1999 car for sale. Totally uncool parents who obviously don't love teenage son, selling his car. Only driven for three weeks before snoopy mom who needs to get a life found booze under front seat. Call meanest mom on the planet.

The 48-year-old mom says she has fielded more than 70 calls from emergency room technicians, nurses, school counselors, and others all who wanted to congratulate her. "It's overwhelming the number of calls I've gotten from people saying, 'Thank you, it's nice to see a responsible parent.' So far there are no calls from anyone saying, 'You are really strict, lady.'"

The only critic is her son, who she says is "very, very unhappy" with the ad and claims the alcohol was left by a passenger. Jane said she believes her son but has decided mercy isn't the best policy in this case. She says she set the rules when she bought him the car: no alcohol and always keep it locked.

As soon as I read this I became a fan of Jane's. Parents of teens are so beleaguered and weary that when we read of a mom who clearly had the upper hand, who was not manipulated by her son, who stuck to her rules, we are encouraged. Her choices give us courage to also be strong with our teens.

So to all you moms of teens, "be strong and courageous and do not fear" as God said to Joshua and to us. If Jane can do it so can you!

From another mom who was called mean by her own children (who are now adults benefiting from not getting away with breaking the rules), I say three cheers for the "meanest mom on the planet."  I think Jane should get "Mother of the Year"!

Burned by betrayal

by Jennifer Dyer

Have you ever felt betrayed by a close friend? How about a business associate? A spouse? Has someone ever spread lies about you to ruin your reputation? What about having to watch, helpless, while a former friend or loved one uses an unscrupulous lawyer and false accusations against you, all in the name of greed. Or, worse, have you watched your child suffer through the pain and sting of betrayal or bullying? Though hard to imagine at the beginning of an association with another person, I cannot think of anyone who has not experienced this pain in some form or fashion.

In a recent conversation with a successful business woman and fellow mom who is in the midst of a betrayal crisis, she told me this was one of the lowest points of her life. Marred by false accusations, her only recourse would be to spend millions in legal fees to fight someone else's greed. This is all too common—just like the playground bully, except the stakes are much higher and there seems to be no recess monitor who can help.  

What do we do in the midst of such suffering? Where do we turn? Prayer and God's Word. Yes, that seems to be the quick answer so many people give to others who are suffering, but it is so true. When I am feeling despondent I often read through David's psalms. David is a man who knows the sting of betrayal, the pain of bullying, the feeling of loneliness. In some of his psalms his compassion rings true, but I have often been comforted by some of the other psalms where David calls out to his Advocate in heaven, the Lord. He calls for God to rescue him, to seek vengeance on his enemies, to come and comfort him. David knew how to pour out his heart to God.

Today, as I did my daily Bible reading, I turned to Psalm 18. Take a moment to read it. David calls God his strength, deliverer, shield, salvation, refuge, rock, and fortress. David also goes on to describe God's answer to his cries of distress. I love the language David uses. He describes earthquakes, storms, lightening, and God's vengeance upon the people who pursued him.

Yet, this is the same David who refuses to kill one of the men trying to kill him—his own father-in-law, King Saul. Instead, David confronts Saul and reminds him that the Lord will be the judge between them. It was much later when Saul received judgment from the Lord and David was able to return to his home, but David kept his hope in the Lord and not in his own power. 

Jesus, too, suffered the pain of betrayal. When we suffer, we can take comfort in the fact that Jesus has overcome this world and that our joy lies in what is to come. Plus, in suffering, we get a glimpse of what Jesus did for us, what he chose to do for us. In fact, my suffering mom friend said this was one of her most comforting thoughts.

I pray that the God of comfort will be with you always. 

Valentine ideas for kids

by Barbara Rainey

Finding creative ways to reach into our children's hearts is always a challenge for parents. And it's the heart and mind we want to influence so that when they are on their own they will make wise choices. A line we repeated often with our tweens and teens was, "garbage in, garbage out." Meaning, of course, that if they allowed bad language, poor viewing choices, and negative relationships into their lives, that is what would come out.

One night my husband resorted to paying our teens to study the Bible. I know that will probably cause some of you to wince, feeling we were lowering our status as parents to becoming mercenaries. But we only did it once, not because it didn't work, but because we didn't want that to be their only motivation. Sometimes a parent gets desperate!

After dinner we offered our two girls who were both in high school the opportunity to earn a little cash. They each got a fat concordance and their own Bibles. The assignment was to find as many verses on the heart as they could and write them out. The time limit was 30 minutes. The payment was cheap. (Our youngest, Laura, remembers it being 25 cents. I thought it was 10 cents, and Dad Rainey remembers it as having cost him a fortune. I don't think they made more than $5.00 each. Ah, fading memories!)

Surprisingly, they agreed to the terms and got after it, partly to see who could get the most—competition always works with siblings—and partly to make the most cash. But the benefit for us as parents was the interaction we had as a family when they shared the verses they found. And there are many references to the heart in Scripture. They were genuinely amazed at how many.

Equally surprising to them was the variety of descriptions. Among their discoveries was the hard heart, the evil heart, a divided heart, and God's favorite, a heart wholly devoted to Him. The logical question was what kind of heart did they want and why. The answers may have been perfunctory, but parents can read their kids most of the time and I saw sincere interest and amazement at what they discovered all on their own.

Hearts are the symbol of Valentines. So take advantage of the emphasis and have a Bible search contest of your own. And you don't have to pay your kids. You will probably be more creative than we were in finding the right motivation.

Cooped up with kids?

by Susan Yates

A huge historic blizzard is raging in the Washington, D.C,. area where I live. In a city that prides itself on being known as the most important city in the world, it's a beautiful and humorous reminder that man is not in charge.

From the important people on Capitol Hill to the important moms in the homes, everyone is feeling a bit out of control as the snow piles up, the government is shut down, and schools closed yet again.

Last night several of my young mom friends managed to dig out of their drives and gather at my house for supper. When I asked if we should cancel because of the treacherous conditions one replied, "No way. If I don't get out of my house there's no telling what I might do to my kids!" Now there's an honest mom for you!

It is wearying to be shut up inside with a bunch of toddlers and young elementary kids for days on end. Especially when you are used to a mother's day out, preschool, or regular school. You may have awakened this morning dreading another day of whining, sibling rivalry, boredom, a trashed house, and wondering how you could get through the day (the next hour?) without losing your cool. Take comfort. You are not alone and you are normal.

Here are a few things that might help if you too are cooped up with kids, whether its the weather, sick kids, or simply your season in life:

1. Pretend that you are running a "Family Camp."

Draw up a schedule for the next several days. Think in terms of one to two hour blocks. A craft block, a reading block, a quiet/nap time block, a play together block, and a free play alone block. For the "free play alone" block, organize different toys into separate stations. You can set a timer and have kids rotate from station to station. You may need to have the kids help you clean out, throw out, and organize the toys. I once realized that my toys were all jumbled together and when I sent the kids to play they couldn't find parts and quickly became bored. Cleaning out and separating the toys helped and they actually got interested again in old things.

Kids respond to structure. It gives them a sense of security because they know what to expect. They will fight less. And you'll have an emotional lift because you have a plan.

2. Be creative with unusual ideas.

One of my favorites is to go to an appliance store or the local bike shop and get a large box. Cut out windows and doors, hand out crayons and stickers, and let the kids decorate. Smaller boxes also work for train cars for little kids and each child loves to have their own. Here are some more ideas: cover a table with a blanket or sheet for a fort; finger paint in the bath tub; watch old family movies; look at old family pictures together; gather kids to help clean out a closet you've been avoiding; cook together; play dress up (put paper grocery bags over heads with cut outs and decorate!); put on music and have a dance party. If you need fresh ideas, call a friend up and compile a list together.

When you have some unusual things planned you'll create a sense of "fun" instead of merely endurance, And you'll use the TV, videos, and the computer less and instead encourage your child's creativity.

3. Schedule some "alone time" for yourself.

Work out a trade with your spouse or a neighbor so that each of you can have at least one and a half hours alone while the other takes the kids. Lock your bedroom door, put on headphones, or walk to a coffee shop. It's best to plan early so you'll know your turn for peace is coming! If you discover that all the neighborhood kids are "living" at your house, you may need to put a sign on your front door for part of the day that says, "family rest time, please come back later" so you can have a break. Yes, your kids will object, but do it anyway. You all need a little peace.

If you know you are going to have that time alone your attitude will change when you are with the kids!

4. Do something for someone else.

Shovel a neighbor's walk, get coffee for the snow plow drivers, cook for a neighbor, bake cookies for you mailman or trash collector, send cards and pictures to family members or shut-ins.

We want to raise kids that are "other-centered" rather than "self-centered." When we start feeling bored or sorry for ourselves its' a great time to do something specific for someone else.

Valentine words for spouses, children, and friends

by Jennifer Dyer

Do you think words are powerful? Although they usually come free of charge, too many, too few, the wrong words at the wrong time, or the right words at the wrong time can have disastrous effects on a relationship. Yet, words can also seal a relationship or restore it: wedding vows, "I love you," "you are special," "I believe in you."

So, what are some words and "non-words" you can use to show love to others this Valentine's Day?

Words to say to your husband:

"I love and respect you." "You have worth in my eyes." "Thank you for providing for us." "Thank you for taking care of ________(fill in the blank)."

Words or actions to avoid: Do not talk about how much money other husbands make or the things your friends have that you do not. Avoid talking down to your husband as though he were a child. Do not argue with him in front of others.

Words to say to your wife:

"I cherish you." "You are my greatest gift." "I love you just the way you are." "Thank you for taking care of the children." "Thank you for making sure I have socks in my drawer the night before work." "Thank you for _____(fill in the blank)."

Words or actions to avoid: Do not comment on any other woman's beauty, fitness, or body. Keep your eyes to yourself. (It is degrading when a husband lusts after other women or compares his wife to them.) Do: Make your wife a priority. Help out around the house. 

Words to say to your children:

"You are a gift to me." "You are special." "Great job." "Thank you for all you do for our family." "I support you."

Words or actions to avoid: Do not compare them to other people's children. Don't make your love and affection dependent upon their performance.

Words for friends:

"You are special." "You mean a great deal to me." "You are like family to me." "I am on your side."

Actions: Even if you are married, think about inviting a single friend to spend Valentine's with you and your family. If your spouse is agreeable, maybe you can celebrate romance on a different night of the week.

You could try writing down some of these phrases and placing them in notes around the house for your spouse and children to find on Valentine's Day, like a treasure hunt. Then celebrate with something fun for a meal: giant pancakes for breakfast (or dinner if it's at our house). Perhaps a heart-shaped pizza for lunch.

For more ideas on how to love and appreciate your spouse, attend a FamilyLife Weekend to Remember® conference.

Allowances and chores

by Susan Yates

Recently a mom asked me what advice I would give her about granting her children an allowance and also about the connection of allowances to family chores. It's a good question, and one I've heard repeated over the years by many moms. And it's one we struggled with as we raised our five children.

I have found it helpful to separate chores from allowances. Why? Because having a chore is simply part of being a family. Everyone in the family needs to pitch in to help. One day your child will need to pitch in to do her share in an apartment she shares with friends. A son should be prepared to share the workload of keeping a household in order with his wife. It's simply part of living in community. You don't get paid for this. So in order to prepare them for the future we give our children chores now. The earlier you begin the better. A 2-year-old can help pick up toys. A 6-year-old can set the table. Kids can help cook, clean, take out the trash, and watch siblings.

Once our kids began to read we began a weekly chore chart. As they got older they did it on the computer and posted it weekly on the refrigerator. Because there were seven of us we had seven sections of the house that needed to be cleaned. Chores could be done any time between Friday and 6:00 p.m. on Saturday night. You could trade chores with another sibling. Bathrooms were a dreaded job. Of course the kids complained. But today my two daughters-in-law are pleased their husbands know how to scrub toilets! Chores are a valuable tool in training in thoughtfulness.

Allowances are also a useful training tool. Once your child reaches the age of 5 it's wise to begin an allowance, albeit a small one. Give the child three envelopes: one for giving (tithe), one for saving, and one for spending (now or later). Teach them to put at least 10% in their "give" and 10% in their "save" envelopes and the rest in their spend envelope. It may be only nickles, but you are training them in wise budgeting with an emphasis on giving first. As the kids get older you will adjust the amounts.

Allowances should not cover all their "wants." That's a bottomless well. And granting all their desires will simply promote selfishness. However, there will be times when they need extra money for that "special something." I keep a running list of extra chores for pay. Cleaning out the garage, scrubbing and cleaning out closets, polishing brass or silver, etc., are some of those extras I never seem to get to and need help with so these go on my extra chore list. When a child gets desperate for money, point her to this list. She can begin to earn the money to buy the item she desires but it may take her longer than she wants. This can be a good thing as she's learning to wait and to persevere. And sometimes that thing she just "had to have" doesn't seem so important after a few days.

Also be on the lookout for opportunities that present themselves to your family to teach your children that life isn't all about gaining money or possessions. The devastation in Haiti is an example. This is an opportunity for us to declare a "family work day." A day in which we as a family can do a project—a bake sale, car wash, yard work, etc., with all donations going to a Haitian relief project. Working together as a family purely to give can be transforming for us and for our kids.

What if every family (or several families working together) set aside one day in the next month to do this for others? Not only would a nation be helped, but a family—ours—would be changed. And a culture just might begin to turn from being "me-centered" to becoming "other-centered."

Stop creepin' on my son!

by Tracey Lanter

For those of you who are raising little boys allow me to warn you—when they get a little older (and I do mean a little older) they will be facing some rather aggressive girls who do not live by the same social etiquette rules most of us grew up with! 

I remember being told by both of my parents not to pursue boys, and that was pretty easy for me to accept. I had two brothers, so I knew the gross side of boys. The rule that stands out foremost in my mind was the "don't call boys" rule. But in today's tween/teen social environment you can forget that one. Because now not only do tween and teen girls call boys, they text them, send notes on Facebook, send photos, and plop right next to them at the boys' lunch table and insert themselves into their conversations and pursue away!

I am much more concerned about my son having to deal with aggressive members of the opposite sex than I have ever been with his older sister. She has even shared with me that there are girls at school "creepin" on him all the time. For those of you not in the know, "creepin" is showing aggressive interest in someone.

What? That makes this mama bear want to roar and protect her cub. However, I must retract the claws, keep my wits about me, and figure out how to protect my son from "the female pack" while not totally embarrassing him in the process.

I find myself looking for teachable moments on the subject everywhere. If we are watching something and there is an aggressive girl portrayed, we discuss the subject. I casually ask him about who he's spending time with when he's at school and church events and I keep my eyes and ears open. On the practical side of things, he is not allowed to friend anyone on Facebook without approval and our computer is right in the family room. His cell phone has a block on it that does not allow him to send or receive photos, and he only uses his phone when he's going somewhere and needs to have it to contact us.

Thankfully, he spends most of his time doing outdoor activities with his friends. So far, he and his buddies are not interested in being hindered by spending time with girls. But at some point that will change.

Dennis Rainey wrote an interesting article on aggressive girls that started a firestorm of comments from concerned moms—so I know I'm not alone in my struggle of how to handle this new phenomenon. So please, help a mom out and share your thoughts with me on this one!

A lesson from the little ones

by Susan Yates

My son John and his wife Alysia came for a week after Christmas with their four little ones, ages 6 and under. It was a chaotic, energetic, noisy, exhausting, and absolutely wonderful time. All was not calm but it was bright.

I got up early with the kids so the weary parents could go back to bed. In the wee hours of the morning we curled up by the picture window to watch the sun rise over the hill. Sometimes gray clouds sent rays of beautiful hues of pink hurrying across the horizon as if to say, It may be gray now but in the gray there is beauty. But don't worry, the sun will still rise.  And every day it did. It just so happened that this very week the moon was full. So each evening right before bed time we turned out the house lights and gathered at the picture window to gaze at a marvelous full moon reflecting an unusually bright light on the snow left over from our rare blizzard.

One morning  I read to the children from Genesis 1:16, "God made two great lights, the sun to govern the day and the moon to govern the night." We talked about how the sun always comes up. We can count on it. And we noticed how the moon is there at night to remind us that God is there too. My granddaughter Sylvia often has trouble sleeping. She feels afraid and has scary thoughts.

I showed her Psalm 121 which I call my "watching over you" Psalm. She particularly liked verse 4. "He who watches over you will neither slumber nor sleep."

"Isn't it amazing?" I whispered as we looked in the darkness at the moon. "God is reminding us that He is always watching over us. We can count on Him."

Sylvia turned to me and said, "Ghee (her name for me), we could pray about that right now." Amazed at the ease with which she came up with it, I replied, "What a great idea!" So we prayed, "Thank you God that we can count on you just like we can count on the sun and the moon and thank you that you are always watching over us."

What will I remember about this Christmas season?   

A small ritual with small children focusing on a big God.

Early morning glances out the window to see
God's powerful sun appear proclaiming His glory.
When the sun went down we watched a full moon arise
As my little grandchildren marveled at its great size.
And I, in my complex world of duty,
Was quieted by the simplicity of God's great beauty.

Thank you, Father, for the pure, simple faith of little ones who help us see with fresh eyes how great you are.  

Mom rant!

by Tracey Lanter

Okay ... if you do not enjoy hearing an otherwise level-headed mom share a little rant you may want to just sit this post out! Realize I'm just venting here, so please allow me to type for a while.

Why am I the only person in this house who will put things back where they belong? Over Christmas I went to get my scissors ... not there. I went to get my paring knife ... gone. The lighter for the fireplace ... missing. Grrrr.  

Here's my big beef—I am certainly not the one who does not put items back where they belong for I have always lived by the rule, "a place for everything and everything in its place." So, why does everyone ask me where stuff is?

And, the aggravation increases: "Mom, where's my chapstick?" "Honey, where are my work jeans?" "Hey, where did you put my backpack?" Are you serious? I wouldn't use your chapstick no matter how cracked my lips were, your pants don't fit me, and I'm scared of your backpack ... it's filthy! Do they honestly think I have some sort of sixth sense that can determine where they put their stuff?

Sigh.

I constantly find myself thinking I would like to scream, "I don't know, why are you asking ME?" But, I have been holding my tongue. I am able to not react in anger. At least not out loud. Okay, I admit it, I do boil on the inside and get a bit snarky, with a "how am I supposed to know" or "don't ask me."

Don't think it is my own goodness that is causing me to evaluate my reaction to this dilemma it's the still small voice inside of my head that keeps advising me not to become a raving lunatic...and to cut it out with the ugly thoughts because that's just as bad.

Proof once again that a good dose of the Holy Spirit is a rattled moms best friend!

Family night ... and a more others centered 2010

by Janel Breitenstein

If you'd like to try improving your giving in 2010 make it a family affair, try holding your family's own Game Night Charity Tournaments!

1) As a couple, decide an amount that you'd like to set aside for monthly giving.

2) As a couple or a family, gather a short list of causes to which you'd like to give: food pantry, a pregnancy center, a missionary, a local rescue mission, FamilyLife (Oops. That one slipped in there.), a family you know, a family that's adopting, your local church, Compassion International ... You get the idea.

3) Set up a monthly or quarterly family game night. The winner of each game wins for charity—a set portion of your family's giving money toward their choice of an organization from your list. You might make a championship round worth more winnings, or save special amounts for a sportsmanship award or MVP (particularly if you have younger children who might not win as often).

If your family isn't big on games, you could try your family's own talent show, essay contest, art competition, songwriting competition, family olympics (egg-in-a-spoon races, bobbing for apples,  basketball, whatever). You name it—the possibilities are endless.

Game on!