Valentine words for spouses, children, and friends

by Jennifer Dyer

Do you think words are powerful? Although they usually come free of charge, too many, too few, the wrong words at the wrong time, or the right words at the wrong time can have disastrous effects on a relationship. Yet, words can also seal a relationship or restore it: wedding vows, "I love you," "you are special," "I believe in you."

So, what are some words and "non-words" you can use to show love to others this Valentine's Day?

Words to say to your husband:

"I love and respect you." "You have worth in my eyes." "Thank you for providing for us." "Thank you for taking care of ________(fill in the blank)."

Words or actions to avoid: Do not talk about how much money other husbands make or the things your friends have that you do not. Avoid talking down to your husband as though he were a child. Do not argue with him in front of others.

Words to say to your wife:

"I cherish you." "You are my greatest gift." "I love you just the way you are." "Thank you for taking care of the children." "Thank you for making sure I have socks in my drawer the night before work." "Thank you for _____(fill in the blank)."

Words or actions to avoid: Do not comment on any other woman's beauty, fitness, or body. Keep your eyes to yourself. (It is degrading when a husband lusts after other women or compares his wife to them.) Do: Make your wife a priority. Help out around the house. 

Words to say to your children:

"You are a gift to me." "You are special." "Great job." "Thank you for all you do for our family." "I support you."

Words or actions to avoid: Do not compare them to other people's children. Don't make your love and affection dependent upon their performance.

Words for friends:

"You are special." "You mean a great deal to me." "You are like family to me." "I am on your side."

Actions: Even if you are married, think about inviting a single friend to spend Valentine's with you and your family. If your spouse is agreeable, maybe you can celebrate romance on a different night of the week.

You could try writing down some of these phrases and placing them in notes around the house for your spouse and children to find on Valentine's Day, like a treasure hunt. Then celebrate with something fun for a meal: giant pancakes for breakfast (or dinner if it's at our house). Perhaps a heart-shaped pizza for lunch.

For more ideas on how to love and appreciate your spouse, attend a FamilyLife Weekend to Remember® conference.

Allowances and chores

by Susan Yates

Recently a mom asked me what advice I would give her about granting her children an allowance and also about the connection of allowances to family chores. It's a good question, and one I've heard repeated over the years by many moms. And it's one we struggled with as we raised our five children.

I have found it helpful to separate chores from allowances. Why? Because having a chore is simply part of being a family. Everyone in the family needs to pitch in to help. One day your child will need to pitch in to do her share in an apartment she shares with friends. A son should be prepared to share the workload of keeping a household in order with his wife. It's simply part of living in community. You don't get paid for this. So in order to prepare them for the future we give our children chores now. The earlier you begin the better. A 2-year-old can help pick up toys. A 6-year-old can set the table. Kids can help cook, clean, take out the trash, and watch siblings.

Once our kids began to read we began a weekly chore chart. As they got older they did it on the computer and posted it weekly on the refrigerator. Because there were seven of us we had seven sections of the house that needed to be cleaned. Chores could be done any time between Friday and 6:00 p.m. on Saturday night. You could trade chores with another sibling. Bathrooms were a dreaded job. Of course the kids complained. But today my two daughters-in-law are pleased their husbands know how to scrub toilets! Chores are a valuable tool in training in thoughtfulness.

Allowances are also a useful training tool. Once your child reaches the age of 5 it's wise to begin an allowance, albeit a small one. Give the child three envelopes: one for giving (tithe), one for saving, and one for spending (now or later). Teach them to put at least 10% in their "give" and 10% in their "save" envelopes and the rest in their spend envelope. It may be only nickles, but you are training them in wise budgeting with an emphasis on giving first. As the kids get older you will adjust the amounts.

Allowances should not cover all their "wants." That's a bottomless well. And granting all their desires will simply promote selfishness. However, there will be times when they need extra money for that "special something." I keep a running list of extra chores for pay. Cleaning out the garage, scrubbing and cleaning out closets, polishing brass or silver, etc., are some of those extras I never seem to get to and need help with so these go on my extra chore list. When a child gets desperate for money, point her to this list. She can begin to earn the money to buy the item she desires but it may take her longer than she wants. This can be a good thing as she's learning to wait and to persevere. And sometimes that thing she just "had to have" doesn't seem so important after a few days.

Also be on the lookout for opportunities that present themselves to your family to teach your children that life isn't all about gaining money or possessions. The devastation in Haiti is an example. This is an opportunity for us to declare a "family work day." A day in which we as a family can do a project—a bake sale, car wash, yard work, etc., with all donations going to a Haitian relief project. Working together as a family purely to give can be transforming for us and for our kids.

What if every family (or several families working together) set aside one day in the next month to do this for others? Not only would a nation be helped, but a family—ours—would be changed. And a culture just might begin to turn from being "me-centered" to becoming "other-centered."

A lesson from the little ones

by Susan Yates

My son John and his wife Alysia came for a week after Christmas with their four little ones, ages 6 and under. It was a chaotic, energetic, noisy, exhausting, and absolutely wonderful time. All was not calm but it was bright.

I got up early with the kids so the weary parents could go back to bed. In the wee hours of the morning we curled up by the picture window to watch the sun rise over the hill. Sometimes gray clouds sent rays of beautiful hues of pink hurrying across the horizon as if to say, It may be gray now but in the gray there is beauty. But don't worry, the sun will still rise.  And every day it did. It just so happened that this very week the moon was full. So each evening right before bed time we turned out the house lights and gathered at the picture window to gaze at a marvelous full moon reflecting an unusually bright light on the snow left over from our rare blizzard.

One morning  I read to the children from Genesis 1:16, "God made two great lights, the sun to govern the day and the moon to govern the night." We talked about how the sun always comes up. We can count on it. And we noticed how the moon is there at night to remind us that God is there too. My granddaughter Sylvia often has trouble sleeping. She feels afraid and has scary thoughts.

I showed her Psalm 121 which I call my "watching over you" Psalm. She particularly liked verse 4. "He who watches over you will neither slumber nor sleep."

"Isn't it amazing?" I whispered as we looked in the darkness at the moon. "God is reminding us that He is always watching over us. We can count on Him."

Sylvia turned to me and said, "Ghee (her name for me), we could pray about that right now." Amazed at the ease with which she came up with it, I replied, "What a great idea!" So we prayed, "Thank you God that we can count on you just like we can count on the sun and the moon and thank you that you are always watching over us."

What will I remember about this Christmas season?   

A small ritual with small children focusing on a big God.

Early morning glances out the window to see
God's powerful sun appear proclaiming His glory.
When the sun went down we watched a full moon arise
As my little grandchildren marveled at its great size.
And I, in my complex world of duty,
Was quieted by the simplicity of God's great beauty.

Thank you, Father, for the pure, simple faith of little ones who help us see with fresh eyes how great you are.  

Nurturing the siblings of your special needs child

by Jennifer Dyer

One of the issues my husband and I often discuss is the well-being of our older child. With a severely autistic younger sister, my eldest spends a great deal of time in the car to and from therapy and waiting for us to take care of one of her sister's tantrums. Plus, she often doesn't get to participate in activities with her peers because of our family dynamic. So, we worry about how this will affect her in the long term.

We've talked to many people and spent a great deal of time coming up with ways to counterbalance some of the emotional burden eldest deals with on a daily basis.

Here are some of the solutions we've come up with and have gleaned from others:

Spend individual time with your typical children. Make time for each parent to get away with the other children in the family. My husband takes eldest out to movies and out to eat once or twice a month. He also spends time with her while I am doing something with Rachel. And vice-versa. He gives me time to take eldest places with her friends or just the two of us.

Be open about your child's disability. I've always been honest with my eldest about the issues her sister faces. I've never sugar-coated autism and have gone to great pains to explain it to her and any of her friends who have questions. We don't hide our issues, but we always act to protect Rachel and help others to understand her.

Plan projects. One of my hobbies is cake decorating, so I involve eldest in my projects that don't require a professional touch. I've let her make birthday cakes for her sister, and we do a lot of just-for-fun baking. The other day we decorated a gingerbread house together. The cleanup is no fun, but the time spent with my daughter is worth it.

Get your other children involved in an activity or sport they enjoy. Our daughter is a wonderful dancer, so her dance classes are a priority. We hire babysitters for her performances and allow her to tap dance all she wants at home. Britt Collins, an Occupational Therapist and speaker on sensory issues, said that an outside activity can give siblings of special needs children a feeling of importance and build their self-esteem. I think it can add to their feeling of normalcy and give them an outlet away from the stresses at home.

Encourage hobbies and interests. This is also good for your special needs child. Dr. Temple Grandin says that, in many cases, this can lead to life work and a career for people on the autism spectrum.

Allow your child to express his or her feelings. Sometimes my daughter just needs to know we understand how she feels. We all need to verbally express our sorrows and frustrations in an accepting environment. I am also open with my own feelings and shortcomings. We involve her in some of our decisions, especially the ones that will impact her.

Involve the siblings in therapy to the extent possible. We participate in Relationship Development Intervention (RDI) and allow our eldest to help out anytime we can. We give her jobs and roles to play in therapy. She often has more success with engaging her sister than we do.

Tell your children they are special. I always remind my eldest that God has blessed Rachel with such an amazing big sister.

"What do you want for dinner?"

by Susan Yates

Recently I've observed an interesting practice by a number of parents with young children. As dinner time draws near the parent asks the child, "What would you like for dinner?" One child wants macaroni and cheese, another chicken soup, absolutely no peas insists one, while another can't decide what she wants. Negotiating and persuading and arguing leave at least one child whining, and the parent frustrated and exhausted. Meal time becomes a battlefield instead of a happy recollection of the day's events.

Why is this happening? Parents genuinely want to please their children. We want our kids to eat well and we know they'll eat what they like. We are more into food and nutrition these days than in the past. And we like for our children to have choices.

But wait a minute. There are some unintended things happening in this practice that can be unhealthy.

1.Young children should not be determining the meals. It's not their call. It's their parents'. This decision puts the children squarely in control in the family, a control that they were not created to have nor emotionally equipped to handle. It subtly places the child in the role of "boss" and the parent relegated to "short order cook." This is unhealthy for the child and undermines the control of the parents. A child who calls the shots in the home will become insecure because he was not meant to be in a position of authority over his parent.

2. Our children are growing up in a world of choices with a greater freedom than ever to make their own choices. While this may be good, the level of stress it creates in a child can become burdensome. Throughout the day at preschool or school they are faced with a plethora of choices which they have to make. They don't need to be faced with this again when they come home to dinner. Their stress will be relieved when the dinner is decided for them. A kindergarten specialist says, "I have had several children through the years that couldn't deal with uncertainty. One little boy kept disrupting the class at different times. It took me a while to realize that he needed to know what was coming next so I began to give him a "heads-up " if I was about to change activity or location. I didn't give him a choice. I just let him know what was coming. The problem was solved. Children like to know someone is in charge. If you make them think they are in charge, they will expect to be in charge when you least expect it."

3. We are all raising children to be good guests. Training in manners begins at an early age. How will your 7- or 8-year-old respond when invited out to someone's home and they don't like what they are served to eat? Or what about a teenager invited to a dinner party? How will you expect her to graciously accept what is put before her when she has been used to accepting or rejecting food at home? If we want to raise kids with good manners they must be taught at home to graciously accept what is put before them, taking a few bites of everything they are given.

4. By the end of the day Mama is exhausted. Dad is too. So are our kids. We do not need to set ourselves up for unnecessary conflict, and this is usually what happens when dinner choice is put before children. It is very hard to avoid negotiating. Wouldn't you as the Mom love for food not to become another battlefield? This is one conflict that can be avoided.

If you have been allowing your kids to dictate the meal plan and you realize this is not wise, here are a few tips that will help you bring about change:

• Explain the changes that are going to take place. Be as specific as possible and with older kids explain "why."
• Expect dissension. Your kids might not eat what you have prepared. Simply insist that they stay at the table until everyone else has finished and let them know they cannot have anything else to eat until morning.
• Prepare for the complaining to last for four to five days. (They have to see we are trustworthy!) Keep a long-range perspective. We are building character for the future and we want to raise polite adults.

You can still inject some freedom into your dinners. Occasionally declare one night "free choice" night and make it a celebration. On each person's birthday let the birthday child or adult choose the family's menu for their "birthday meal." This will make choice special rather than merely a burden.

I believe you will discover that your meals are less stressful, and once your family gets accustomed to the change, you'll find you no longer dread dinner time but instead enjoy it!

Prepping for the feast

by Barbara Rainey

For someone who isn't into the Food Channel or trying new recipes or buying the latest Rachael Ray cookbook, I've recently logged more hours than I can count in the kitchen. Maybe Julia Child would be proud, or maybe Betty Crocker, or maybe my mother. But it's really my kids I'm aiming to please.

Anticipating the arrival of ALL my kids for Thanksgiving, I began in early November planning what I could prepare ahead of time and freeze. My goal was and is to avoid being imprisoned in the kitchen. So far I have made and frozen a double batch of spice cookies (Betty Crocker 1939 cookbook and the best ever), three batches of my grandmother's cornbread dressing and the gravy that goes with it, a double recipe of our not-to-be-missed cheese grits and a double batch of meatballs and gravy to be served over rice on Saturday night when all the leftovers are gone.

Then I took a break from the kitchen to wash all the sheets to get the bedrooms (and bathrooms) ready, including our triple built-in bunk beds where the grandkids will sleep. I'm assigning the six boys, ages 2-10, to the bunks, two kids per bed. The girls and babies will be elsewhere with parents and in pack 'n plays.

This past week it was back to kitchen duty for pies, breakfast casseroles, and a few other make-ahead items. It also seemed time to add leaves to the table, the tablecloth and candles and to run the vacuum. As I pushed it around I wondered if I should have waited until everyone was gone to clean the floors.

Knowing the arrival of my family will mean much trekking between cars and house with all the necessary gear for 13 kids, I also raked mountains of leaves from the driveway and sidewalks. If it's raining or wet, my hope is no one will slip on my sloping driveway and crash, and that a minimum number of leaves will cross the threshold and into the house. It's worth trying, I guess. Thanksgiving week has now arrived. Quite honestly my emotions have been all over the map this month. I am thrilled that they are all coming and honored that they want to come home. I'm excited about the scavenger hunt we've planned for the kids. But I've also felt moments of anxiety knowing that the high point of our annual celebration—the sharing of what we are thankful for—will be mildly-controlled chaos with 13 young children and 13 adults.

As I genuinely look forward to the first arrivals this evening I have determined to open my hands to my Father and give all my plans and preparations to Him. Yes, I want my children to enjoy every minute of our time together, but more than that I want my Father to be pleased with me, His child in His presence. And I will chose to give thanks each day for what He brings whether it is according to my plans and hopes or something unexpected. He is sufficient and if I let Him He will strengthen me for the challenges. Thanksgiving is about giving thanks and I choose to be found a grateful woman. As I open my arms to receive the first of my returning children I will also welcome what they bring to the dynamics of our ever-changing family. Did I mention that our son-in-law and daughter are bringing their two dogs, one a yet-to-be-trained puppy?

They are ALL coming home!

by Barbara Rainey

I'm not a much of a realist.  When I was looking forward to having children I imagined them happy and loving me and each other.  Oh sure, there would be squabbles and sicknesses to temporarily mar the image I created, but it would always be temporary and nothing I couldn't handle.  Then I had kids.  At times it felt like they squabbled more than they got along and with six of them our sicknesses were multiplied.  I'm remembering the summer we had chicken pox.  It lasted six full weeks as first one contracted it, then two more, then the last two.  The youngest hadn't been born yet.  I felt imprisoned.  Insignificant.  Lonely.

You would think I would have become a realist from the hard knocks learned in parenting.

But hope springs eternal, so I imagined a new season for my family: everyone grown and mature and genuinely enjoying one another as adults.  But I forgot about them having children and I totally underestimated how many they'd have.  And I didn't think about the obvious—that they'd all parent their kids differently, that the spouses would need time to adjust to our family, and that everyone, including us parents, would still have an old sin nature.

Which brings me to the present tense.  Honestly I did not think this would ever happen again, but all my children and their spouses and kids are coming home for Thanksgiving!  I had resigned myself to not ever having them all again at one time, knowing that our house is too small to house that many humans at one time.  Comfortably, that is. And they value comfort.  My initial response was mild panic.  Now I'm excited about the potential.  If I can just think through everyone's needs ahead of time.  Is my idealism re-surfacing?

When Thanksgiving was still a month away I began my planning.  Who would sleep where?  What would we all eat?  How much could I cook ahead?  How much should I child-proof my house? 

Actually I've answered that last one.  I learned the hard way that my children really don't care if my house is cute when they come to visit. So, I will thoroughly remove anything breakable or valuable for the week.  When my kids arrive they bring an enormous trail of necessities for the 13 little ones.  Bottles of apple juice, baby food, play things, blankets, diaper bags, pack 'n plays, and more than I can remember at the moment.  That's not counting all the suitcases and pillows plus sleeping bags for the older kids.

Last night at dinner my husband and I talked about what we could do that would be fun with the older grandkids so he and I aren't relegated to merely cooking and cleaning up messes and serving all week. Sounds terribly selfish, but it's the truth.  I want to have fun and enjoy every minute.

A new adventure is on the horizon for me:  welcoming 24 people to my four-bedroom house for various lengths of stay.  I will learn more about patience and grace and I hope we make wonderful memories together in this new season of our family.  And I'm going to try to learn from my dose of realism at last year's Thanksgiving celebration and work on lowering my expectations a bit, expecting some crises or messes or disappointed children of any age. 

I'll add updates as the planning progresses!

Are our kids overcommitted?

by Susan Yates

Are you overwhelmed with your fall schedule? Do you feel like you are racing from one carpool to the next, dashing to pick up one child before another needs to be taken to a different place? Do you find yourself rushing home to fix a supper that has become a "grab it and zap it (in the microwave) event" before someone has another commitment? Do you secretly long for a "snow day " when everything is canceled? Does it seem like everyone in your household is crabby and stress is at maximum? If you do, you are not alone.

Today's culture is full of challenges. Many are obvious but some are so subtle that we can fail to recognize them. One of the subtle ones is the proliferation of too many good choices. There are so many great opportunities for our kids to take advantage of and we are apt to think, If I'm going to be a good parent, my child needs to take advantage of these opportunities.

But let's get honest. Sometimes we are merely falling prey to parental peer pressure that says that whoever's child is involved in the most activities is the best parent. And the activities are usually so good—the extra language class, select sports team, orchestra, youth group, community service, dance, etc. And so we sign our child up for one more team. Of course the child begs for this. After all his best friend is playing this sport so he just has to. And now our families are marked by exhausted kids, stressed parents, and an irritable atmosphere. There's little time for in-depth conversation. We are simply too tired. It's easy to find we are merely passing by each other as we rush from one thing to the next.

We need to stop and take a long hard look at what really matters and ask the following questions:

Ten years from now will it matter more that we signed our child up for one more team or activity in order to collect one more trophy or will it matter more that we said no to another activity and instead set aside several nights a week to have dinner together as a family to nourish family relationships?

Do we want to collect trophies that will soon be gathering dust on a closet shelf or do we want to invest in family friendships that will last a life time?

We will not be popular parents when we say no. Our kids may pitch a fit. Our friends may think we are crazy. But in the long run we will be investing in what really matters—family relationships—and these take time to nurture.

Let's guard against parental peer pressure. It's all too easy to fall prey to it without even realizing it. One day, way in the future, your kids will thank you. And meanwhile if you bravely delete some things from your lives, you will relieve some of the crabbiness in your home.

Some fun things about getting older

by Susan Yates

I don't feel old. Okay, so I do have 14 grandchildren with another one due any day, and I think magnifying mirrors are the worst invention ever. But so what if I tire more easily and can't multitask to the extent that I used to? I am not old. In fact on the days when I go for a good long run I feel about 38—that is until a 30-something races past me without even breathing hard.

However, I have found that there are many things I like about getting older:

• We don't feel like we have to prove ourselves the way we did when we were young.

• We realize some things aren't as big a deal as we once thought they were.

• We don't have toddlers pulling on every part of our bodies 24/7.

• We have a bigger collection of funny stories to tell because we've live through more seasons of life.

• We can laugh more easily at the mistakes we made "back then."

• We're a little wiser than we once were.

• We're not as afraid to say what we really think and sometimes younger people actually ask us for advice.

• We don't have to concentrate as much on building our resumes.

• We have more clarity as to what we are good at and what we aren't and this knowledge enables us to make better decisions.

• We've had time to begin to understand that God is patient. He does what is best not necessarily what is fast.

• We have lived long enough to see God bring a prodigal home, redeem a broken marriage, reconcile a relationship, and provide in miraculous ways over and over again.

• Because of the years gone by, we have experienced the faithfulness of God in various situations and if we meditate on our collection of His faithful acts, it enables us to trust Him for the future.

The bad news is we are getting older. The good news is we are getting older. And with age and experience come wisdom!

We'd love to hear from you. So send along the things you are finding that are fun about getting older. This applies to each one of us—we are all older than someone else!

Our summer highlight: a big anniversary

by Susan Yates

This summer we celebrated 40 years of marriage. Our anniversary is actually August 23, but this year we declared the whole summer a celebration. In the past, John and I have never been into gifts or big anniversary celebrations, be we decided that this year is different. One reason is that we are acutely aware of the many Christian marriages that are crumbling. Many have just worn out. Some old ones seem to be dying of neglect, others due to genuine crises. We understand the challenges. Marriage takes steady work. It's a lifelong covenant and we'll never get it down perfectly. After all we are two self-centered people trying to build a union.

We realized how important it is to celebrate what we do have—however imperfect it is. And so we decided to surprise our children and at our family reunion in June we formally recommitted ourselves to our marriage vows. Our kids had gathered with all the grandchildren in the front yard of the farm for the annual family photo which a friend was taking. An hour earlier my husband had told our son, JY, who is a pastor, what was up and had asked him to lead us through our vows. 

John and I dressed while the kids gathered, unaware of the drama about to unfold. I wore my wedding dress which had also been my mother's. Never mind that I couldn't zip it all the way up my back. I just pinned it at the top and was very stylish in a partially backless wedding dress. (No one ever warned me that our ribs would expand with age!) But I was after sentiment, not a fashion statement. John appropriately put on his cowboy hat, jeans and cowboy shirt with his tux jacket. And we both wore cowboy boots. We pushed the hidden tape recorder on which we had pre-recorded the majestic "Trumpet Voluntary" and it roared out over the valley as we glided out the front door in our wedding garb to the utter shock of our kids.

There were indeed some tears in the crowd as our son, with his 2-year-old in one arm and the Anglican Prayer Book in the other, took us through our vows again. And for the two of us it was a time of intense gratitude for the goodness of God in giving us these years.

Several weeks later the two of us were out to dinner alone. Over dinner we reflected on how special that recommitment was and how we wanted to continue to appreciate one another and what we have. What we realize is that in marriage it is easier to focus on the negatives, the lacks or the disappointments in our mate instead of taking time to focus on what we love and are thankful for in the other person.

While we ate our dinner, we decided to take turns telling each other things we love about one another until over the next few weeks we came up with 40 each. Some were silly and some serious. I love the way John sometimes winks at me. He mentioned that he loves the way I jump on the riding mower and mow without being asked!

We haven't hit 40 things yet but that's good. We want to continue to celebrate, not finish!

And why quit with 40?