Three cheers for the meanest mom!

by Barbara Rainey

Teenagers are fond of labeling people—both those they admire and those they don't. In their emotional declarations, their parents usually are the recipients of only negative descriptors such as, "uncool, mean, unfair, so strict," and others I'm not hip enough to know.

But when you are the recipient of the moniker, "meanest mom" or something similar, then you can know you are probably doing a great job parenting. Jane Hamledon discovered that recently. 

After finding alcohol in her son's car she decided to sell the car and share her 19-year-old son's misdeeds with everyone by placing an ad in the local newspaper. Her ad and the story it created made its way to the Associated Press where it was reported widely.

The ad reads:

OLDS 1999 car for sale. Totally uncool parents who obviously don't love teenage son, selling his car. Only driven for three weeks before snoopy mom who needs to get a life found booze under front seat. Call meanest mom on the planet.

The 48-year-old mom says she has fielded more than 70 calls from emergency room technicians, nurses, school counselors, and others all who wanted to congratulate her. "It's overwhelming the number of calls I've gotten from people saying, 'Thank you, it's nice to see a responsible parent.' So far there are no calls from anyone saying, 'You are really strict, lady.'"

The only critic is her son, who she says is "very, very unhappy" with the ad and claims the alcohol was left by a passenger. Jane said she believes her son but has decided mercy isn't the best policy in this case. She says she set the rules when she bought him the car: no alcohol and always keep it locked.

As soon as I read this I became a fan of Jane's. Parents of teens are so beleaguered and weary that when we read of a mom who clearly had the upper hand, who was not manipulated by her son, who stuck to her rules, we are encouraged. Her choices give us courage to also be strong with our teens.

So to all you moms of teens, "be strong and courageous and do not fear" as God said to Joshua and to us. If Jane can do it so can you!

From another mom who was called mean by her own children (who are now adults benefiting from not getting away with breaking the rules), I say three cheers for the "meanest mom on the planet."  I think Jane should get "Mother of the Year"!

Suitcase idiosyncrasies

by Barbara Rainey

I have heard a fascinating statistic that is encouraging to me: "The majority of conflicts couples deal with, approximately 69 percent, are irresolvable and will be with a couple in one form or another for the life of the marriage".

Knowing that nearly 70 percent of the conflicts I have with my husband are irresolvable is supposed to be encouraging?

Here is why this truth is hopeful.

John Gottman, the author of The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, has been studying marriages for decades and says about these irresolvable conflicts, "The reason they are irresolvable, or perpetual, is that no one is wrong concerning the issue. The issue they are disagreeing on is merely a matter of preference."

No one is wrong. I like that part.

Traveling with my husband is a normal part of my marriage. But contrary to the popular assumption that women pack more than men, my husband packs more than I do. And it has been one of our "irresolvable differences."

I must say that part of this difference in volume is that his shoes and most clothing items are bigger and heavier, so he does need a larger suitcase. However, that is not all there is to this picture. He is much more of an "I might need this" or "just in case" packer" than I am.

In truth, he is genetically less organized than I am. When we travel by car, his preferred method of packing the vehicle is "just put it anywhere." Random is his style. Which is also why he often misplaces his keys, or favorite pen, or like a year ago when he lost his favorite Bible which showed up after six months of looking and praying ... under the seat of his truck.

Back to our suitcases.

I have learned to let him pack what he wants and how he wants.  That is, until he asks the oft repeated question, "Can I put these things in your suitcase?" Then I'm usually less than gracious. My suitcase is my space. I have it organized the way I want it and his large shoes and extra gear for working out will mess with my system. I reason that if he would just think through what to take more efficiently like I do then he wouldn't need to use my space!

Who is right and who is wrong? I can be wrong if and when I become angry at his legitimate question to use my extra space. And I have been wrong. But mostly it's just a case of our differences showing up in a very common situation. Over time he has learned to ask me less frequently for my space knowing I can be offended. And I have learned to be more gracious and share, a lot like a 2-year-old!

Learning to be at peace with irresolvable differences has been liberating. We have a saying in our house that has come from years of observing one another's idiosyncrasies which says, "Different is not wrong, it's just different." Our methods of packing are really a matter of preference—an irresolvable difference—and we are okay with that.

Valentine ideas for kids

by Barbara Rainey

Finding creative ways to reach into our children's hearts is always a challenge for parents. And it's the heart and mind we want to influence so that when they are on their own they will make wise choices. A line we repeated often with our tweens and teens was, "garbage in, garbage out." Meaning, of course, that if they allowed bad language, poor viewing choices, and negative relationships into their lives, that is what would come out.

One night my husband resorted to paying our teens to study the Bible. I know that will probably cause some of you to wince, feeling we were lowering our status as parents to becoming mercenaries. But we only did it once, not because it didn't work, but because we didn't want that to be their only motivation. Sometimes a parent gets desperate!

After dinner we offered our two girls who were both in high school the opportunity to earn a little cash. They each got a fat concordance and their own Bibles. The assignment was to find as many verses on the heart as they could and write them out. The time limit was 30 minutes. The payment was cheap. (Our youngest, Laura, remembers it being 25 cents. I thought it was 10 cents, and Dad Rainey remembers it as having cost him a fortune. I don't think they made more than $5.00 each. Ah, fading memories!)

Surprisingly, they agreed to the terms and got after it, partly to see who could get the most—competition always works with siblings—and partly to make the most cash. But the benefit for us as parents was the interaction we had as a family when they shared the verses they found. And there are many references to the heart in Scripture. They were genuinely amazed at how many.

Equally surprising to them was the variety of descriptions. Among their discoveries was the hard heart, the evil heart, a divided heart, and God's favorite, a heart wholly devoted to Him. The logical question was what kind of heart did they want and why. The answers may have been perfunctory, but parents can read their kids most of the time and I saw sincere interest and amazement at what they discovered all on their own.

Hearts are the symbol of Valentines. So take advantage of the emphasis and have a Bible search contest of your own. And you don't have to pay your kids. You will probably be more creative than we were in finding the right motivation.

Valentine most romantic tips

by Barbara Rainey

My husband is on Facebook. It was an affront to our 23-year-old daughter when he joined and she let him know he was "too old" for this modern media format. He was not dissuaded. He is managing it quite well as opposed to me and enjoys posting and getting feedback from so many. He'd welcome you if you want to friend him. As would I, but I haven't learned to post nearly as often.

The story I want to share is the amazing response he has gotten from a question he posted this week. It was, "What is the most romantic thing your spouse has done for you?" The answers have been wonderful, varied, and encouraging. Here are a few.

"He doesn't stare at other women, but makes a point to look away and focus only on me, giving me a smile or a wink. This makes me feel like the most beautiful woman alive." (Connie)

"Years ago, when we didn't have a lot, my dear husband took me to a nearby town to spend the day. We had a babysitter for the kids. During the time we were gone, my husband had arranged for his mom to come over and make dinner for us, and had it warming in the oven. She had set our table with our wedding china. She was gone by the time we got there ... It was really sweet." (Rose)

"This may not sound romantic on the front end, but it is to me. After suffering years of infertility, we finally conceived only to later discover that it was an ectopic pregnancy and I would need emergency surgery. In the surgery waiting room, my husband insisted on being with me, even though he was told he couldn't. He sat with me and held my hand and looked me straight in the eyes and said, "I love you and I promise you that we are going to be okay." Infertility can make a woman feel like a failure, but I gained so much security in knowing that God gave me this man who loved me no matter what. I think that's the most romantic thing a man can do for his wife—he gave me security." (Heather)

"My wife writes a daily note sharing something she loves about me. She's been doing this for more than two years. We're geographically separated due to my military service ... these notes have been a lifeline to keep me afloat in the deep end of life! Thanks, honey!" (Matthew)

"Okay ... most people probably won't find this romantic but my wife got me a mini-season ticket package to the Houston Astros. She knows my love language." (Scott)

"The short version: Sherry and I divorced on the day of our 14th wedding anniversary, went to a Weekend to Remember two months later, and then, (here's the romantic part) got remarried on the porch of the old home we are remodeling together. God is the great redeemer!" (Scott)

There were other great comments, some funny, but overall really encouraging to hear so many varied responses. I haven't decided what I'll do this year, but last year I gave my husband a gift he has really enjoyed. He loves to tell the story because it sounds so unromantic and always gets a laugh which is the point. But he wanted it. And it's a real man gift. I gave my husband a chainsaw for Valentine's!

Whatever works! 

Thoughts on courage for moms

by Barbara Rainey

Remember the lion in the Wizard of Oz?  He was a lovable guy, but thoroughly convinced he had no courage.  Because he was easily frightened instead of being ferocious, he decided to go with Dorothy and the others to the great city of Oz to ask the powerful wizard for the gift of courage.  But, alas, the great wizard was a fake.  In the end, Mr. Lion learned that he had the seed of courage all along.  He just needed to exercise it.

I've been doing a lot of reading lately, researching stories of courage for a family devotional on that topic.  And I've learned some facts about courage that I never noticed before.

• Courage is a choice.  Like the Cowardly Lion, moms are faced with choices that demand courage every day.  
• Courage refuses fear.  The courageous choices moms make are always counter-balanced with a fear that whispers, "if you ground your teenage daughter she'll miss that party and then she'll hate you forever!"  Don't give in to your fears.  Refuse them and do what you know is good for your child.  That's being courageous.
• Courage always demands self-denial.  To train your toddler to obey means you have to stop what you are doing, set aside your present task, and go reinforce your expectations.  The setting aside of self is exhausting, but it is courageous because it believes the next trait about courage, which is:
• Courage thinks about the long term benefits.  Teaching children to do their homework faithfully requires moms to look to the future knowing the daily task of homework builds responsibility while increasing knowledge.  Letting a child put it off or not do it at all is selfishness (dare I say cowardly?) on the part of the parent.
• Courage is counter-cultural.  A family who chooses to continue tithing when a job has been lost, or a mom who calls another parent whom she's never met to ask about the movie to be shown at the sleepover, or a couple who make the decision not to allow their teens to go to the theater until they are 18—all are counter-culturally courageous decisions.  Courageous decisions are often unpopular, but parents aren't running a popularity contest.  Or they shouldn't be.

There are more facts about courage, but I'll spare you.  Here is my favorite statement on courage:  An older and wiser mother said to me that sometimes the most courageous thing a mom can do is get out of the bed in the morning!  I loved that because so many mornings when the light of day came in our windows I was not ready to get up and begin directing the circus.  It gave me hope that my choice to be responsible, to literally rise to the challenge of a new day was commendable. 

May you begin to see yourself as "Mom, the lion-hearted," courageously choosing what is best for your children knowing in the end it will pay off. 

Husbands and football

by Barbara Rainey

While watching some of the Dallas Cowboys wild card game with my husband I asked him about some of the finer points of the game. I understand the basics of scoring and the role of key players like the quarterback, but how do they determine where field goals are kicked, how does the wild card system work, and what is the backfield anyway? And I still have no idea what the secondary is.

Then I began pondering another question.

What is the draw of football for men?

When I asked him, my husband said it's the competition, the physicality, and the aggressiveness of the game. It sounded so brutal. Not at all what I expected him to say.

Thinking further I understand more what he meant and as a result I have a few theories as to why men love football.

Like the relentless pounding of surf on the beach, football keeps coming back. Every year. It's as predictable as the changing seasons. At the same time every year. It's something we can count on no matter what happens in the economy or who is living in the White House.

I think the fact that the game has so many rules is part of its appeal. Loyal followers know the rules, understand why the rules are there, and count on them being enforced fairly. The rules change very little from year to year which brings continuity to the game. When a foul is called one team may feel it was unfair, but within a matter of minutes or less, it is accepted and the game continues. No lawsuits in federal court, no changing of the rules so the offending team gets off the hook, no recount of votes, and rarely any kind of fight or scandalous accusations. The players understand the rules and play by the rules. Done.

And because the rules are followed, the games finish in a reasonable time frame. And most importantly, there is always a clear winner and loser. No one worries about the feelings of the losing team. It's what they signed up for and it's part of the game. And our men who love the sport love that sure outcome because most of life is not so clearly defined. Men today are confused about their roles as men. They are built to be competitive, to aggressively protect (not the quarterback, but their families and communities and country), but they live in a world so afraid of being offensive, so fearful of being sued that they are constantly worried that they will be held back.  A holding penalty is when a player literally grabs an opponent and holds him so he can't do his job. And a lot of men today feel that way—they're being held back..

To be sure, there are plenty of unsavory aspects to the game, but the good outweighs the bad. In this confusing, shifting world of ours, the predictable sport of football gives our men a respite: a place to watch men exercise their God-given aggressive, physical, competitive natures with self-control under the watchful eye of a higher authority—the coaches and refs. They love watching men be men. It's a microcosm of what the world should be like.

I think it's why I like football, too.

Another e-mail from Haiti

by Barbara Rainey

Like most Americans, I have been listening to news reports and reading online blogs and updates on the situation in Haiti. And most of the news is not good. While many who are more informed than I have commented on the political situation in this country, most of us, especially us mothers, want to know help is on the way. We also want to know how we can help.

Our church has had an ongoing ministry in Haiti for nearly 30 years. As we've looked for information on the real stories and for how to help, we have looked to these missionaries in that country. Below is an e-mail from a family there who live in the mountains away from the capital. They sustained very little damage and their town has one of the best hospitals and schools in the country. These Haitian believers are doing all they can to help their countrymen. It is to them that we will donate financial assistance.

Our prayer is both for immediate physical needs and their long-term spiritual needs in this impoverished country. May God bring redemption to this people that their days to come may be far better than their days gone by.

We are okay.

I just heard from Caleb. He arrived in Port au Prince and said the conditions are indescribable.

Just to give you ideas, estimates on loss of life right now are approaching 250,000 to half a million.

He says bodies of 20-30 people are piled up and no one is even stopping to pick them up because there is nowhere to take them.

It is horrible.

Last night he slept in his car and is trying to bring back some people here today. We have a group of Americans here right now and are trying to decide how to get them out. There are no commercial flights in and out of Haiti, the only way in is through the Dominican Republic for anyone other than military aid workers.

What we are doing:

1. Caleb is arriving back here today with some evacuees.

2. We are preparing to house as many as we can (now I know why God gave me such a BIG new house).

3. We can house up to several thousand here, we are preparing by getting drinking water ready, etc.

We need funding to buy sleeping pads and food for them. There is a water filtration system in town which will provide water.

The local hospital here is already receiving injured from the capital. Those who can walk or travel are coming here.

We are planning at present to put evacuees at the camp, at the school, wherever we can find place.
4. Please continue to pray for wisdom and strength for Caleb. Jephthe (Caleb's brother) left this morning to help with evacuations and to meet Caleb.

5. We are fine!

6. Some cell phone service started working again today, although it is intermittent. Pray for calm as people begin to hear who has died. It is very disheartening.

7. Pray we can continue to be a light. The Christians here know we have survived to be here for such a time as this.

We love you guys. Please pass the message along and continue to pray for all of us.

If you are interested in donating to this family who will be directly working with those most affected by the earthquake, you may go to their website at www.hosean.org.

There is a donation button that will direct you to donate by PayPal (which I think keeps a small fee) or by credit card. Or you can send a check to the Little Rock office marked for "earthquake":

Hosean International Ministries
P.O. Box 17668
Little Rock, AR 72222.

Three books about three women

by Barbara Rainey

While it's cold outside, sitting by the fire after the kids are in bed with a compelling book to read will bring you warm rewards the television cannot offer.  Here are three books about three different women, one born in Arizona, one born in Somalia, and the third born in Rwanda.  Their stories will open windows allowing you to see other worlds from the comfort of your own home.  And their lives will inspire thanksgiving for the peace and safety most of us enjoy every day.

The Glass Castle, by Jeanette Walls, is an autobiographical tale of a childhood shaped by parents who were nomadic, sometimes homeless, and always teetering on the brink of lawlessness and extreme poverty.  Jeanette and her siblings lived a life few of us can imagine in these United States.  As she and her brothers and sister escaped the constant chaos of their upbringing to lives of independence and responsible prosperity, she watched with her siblings as their parents happily chose to remain homeless. 

Infidel, by Ayaan Hirsi Ali, will give you a sobering, insightful look into the life of girls raised as Muslims.  She writes of her childhood with a sister and a brother, a father who was passionate about political agendas, and a mother who worked hard to liberate her children from the practices she viewed as barbaric in their culture, and a grandmother who often thwarted those attempts by her mother.  The family moved from Somalia to Saudi Arabia to Kenya.  Finally Miss Ali escaped an arranged marriage and is currently living in the West.  What is most compelling about this book is the understanding we gain about this religion and culture that is expanding rapidly in our world.  We need to learn all we can because it isn't going away.

Left to Tell, by Immaculee Ilibagiza, is a remarkable story of a young woman's survival of the Rwandan genocide of 1994.  Immaculee was a 22-year-old college student when the Hutus began their systematic efforts to kill all Tutsis living in Rwanda.  Amazingly she survived along with seven other women who were hidden in a tiny bathroom for three months by a pastor.  Most of her family were murdered in the rampage that left over one million dead, slaughtered only because of their ethnicity.  Forgiveness for this kind of evil is beyond our imagining, but Immaculee tells of the power of God that sustained her in hiding and that has helped her forgive and go forward in hope.

Dietrich Bonhoeffer, a young pastor in Nazi Germany who was imprisoned for his work challenging Christians to resist Hitler, wrote this shortly before his arrest:  "We must not give in to resignation or pious escapism in avoiding the harsh realities of the present day."  He challenged those who would listen not to be led astray by the opinions of those in power, but to think and to pray and to "not give up trying to assess the new state of affairs for themselves."  May these books do this for your thinking and for your faith.

Three uncommon goals

by Barbara Rainey

As we change our calendars this week from 2009-2010, we automatically feel an unspoken invitation to new beginnings and fresh starts.  A year's worth of mostly blank pages beckon us to make our mark on the future.  Hope has opened her door.

First I must admit I quit making New Year's resolutions decades ago knowing I would soon become a failure if I did.  And I did not like the way failure felt.  It wasn't worth it.  But I haven't stopped making goals for myself.  For me there was a difference in a self-directed resolution dependent on my own power to keep and a goal that wasn't always measurable that I could pursue for the purpose of personal growth.  The second is made with a prayer that God will be the one at work in me rather than my own efforts. Not that I don't expend energy toward the goal, but it's a cooperative effort rather than a solitary one.

So here are 3 uncommon goals you might want to consider for 2010.

1.  What can I do to become more emotionally healthy in 2010?  Physical health and weight loss usually top most lists of personal resolutions.  Second on the list for Christians is spiritual growth.  But emotional health rarely makes anyone's list.  Yet emotional health affects every day of our lives.  How we handle our anger, our fears, our temptations, our stresses determines the course of each day of our lives.  I'm currently reading a book called Emotionally Healthy Spirituality, by Peter Scazzero, in which he rightly states that you can't be spiritually healthy and mature without equal health and maturity on the emotional level.  Think about what you can do.  Is it time to invest in some counseling, do you need to find a mentor with whom you can and will be truly honest, do you need to read a book or two on the subject? 

2.  What can I do to be more prepared for persecution and difficulty?  Can you believe I said that?  Take a deep breath. I'm not a prophet with a vision of what lies ahead.  But I do know that the Bible says: "in this world you will have trouble" and "all who desire to live godly in Christ Jesus will be persecuted."  Some of us are in the middle of troubles right now and some are not.  For those who are not, I strongly encourage you to make the most of these days ahead to grow deeply into God's Word so that in the day of adversity you will have a stronger foundation.  There is no substitute for consistent Bible study.  Most of you are just like me, high on intent and low on practice.  We have great aspirations to do more study, but rarely follow through.  Again, my strong encouragement is to join a Bible study and be as faithful to it as you are to eating three times a day.  It is as important to your spiritual health as food is to your physical health. 

3.  What can I do to savor this life God has given more fully?  We often hear those who have been given death sentences say how much they are enjoying each day they have left in this world.  They focus all their energy on maximizing the time they have.  They enjoy the people in their world as never before.  Though we are all living under a death sentence, we live as if we will never die.  Yet some of us may not see the next changing of the calendar.  It's a scary thought honestly.  But it would be good for us to evaluate how we can enjoy each of our days more fully.  What have you always wanted to do that you've put off too long?  What dreams do you have for time with your children and your husband that you can attempt this year?  Just find one or two and go for it.  Even if you just plan to enjoy sunsets and starry nights together as a family because you can't afford a trip to the Grand Canyon is enough.  Consider the goal of savoring the days of your life as you anticipate 2010.  You won't be sorry. A believer from another century, Iraneus, said, "The glory of God is a human being fully alive."  Seek to be a fully alive woman this year.

None of these suggestions are easy.  They will demand some sacrifice in time, expense, and energy, but nothing worth accomplishing is ever free.  Don't let others dictate all of your hours for you.  Don't be passive or unteachable or unbelieving.  Instead move into this new year eager to become all God meant you to be and to enjoy Him and the great goodness He has given you as never before.  Determine to grow as the woman He created you to be in 2010.

Embrace messy children...really?

by Barbara Rainey

As I pulled away from school after dropping off my 6-year-old grandson, I gave thanks to God that I am sill healthy and energetic enough to do this babysitting of five grandsons.  My son-in-law's mother was to have kid duty this time but she's having back surgery so it fell to me to do the keeping.  And I am grateful.  As I'm in the middle of this child-centered house I'm remembering and reflecting while I enjoy these boys.  And I do enjoy them.  They are delightful.

When I was raising my kids our house was a mess most of the time.  I thought if I trained my six well enough they would obey quickly when it was clean up time.  But I underestimated their inherent sin nature and so it was usually a battle and I felt like a failure.  I suffered often under self-imposed guilt that I was not a good mother, that someone else might see what chaos we lived in regularly and think negatively of me.

My daughter does not.  She is truly a saint. She doesn't really enjoy the mess they make but she doesn't stress over it either, not allowing the normal chaos of children to reflect on who she is.  And I'm in awe of her ease with it all. 

So today as I write this, the four who are home—one because he was throwing up all day yesterday so he couldn't go to school today—are all building a multi-room fort in the living room.  The oldest hauled in card tables from the garage and blankets from upstairs.  They now have a child-sized mansion for all kinds of pretending.

Two of these boys have a creative side that is constantly being expressed on paper.  This morning two of them made lots of paper snow flakes which are now taped to the windows.  And the floor is covered with all the little snippets of leftover cut outs.  Last night another one created paper ornaments with tons of scotch tape.  His paper scraps are all over the kitchen.  I'm not cleaning until the end.  It's pointless.

The state of my daughter's house, which she would agree is usually a disaster, is not a reflection on her as much as it is a reflection on her kids.  They are not berated for being kids.  They play all over the house and not just in one room.  That's not to say that a parent who controls where their kids play is wrong, just that it's refreshing for me to watch this mother, my daughter, be so relaxed with her kids.  She really enjoys them and I did not do that enough. 

So while I am here we will be baking Christmas cookies and sprinkling sugars all over them and not worrying about the floors.  We'll be reading lots of books and stories.  And when Papa arrives after work there will be more adventures and games and rough stuff which thrill the boys.  My daughter will feel loved that we have delighted in her children and she will not care that the floor is a mess.

We will enjoy these gifts from God and relish their youth and innocence while it lasts knowing one day my daughter's house will be clean again, uncluttered by bits of paper, tons of toys, and apple juice stickys everywhere.